{"data":[{"id":6,"attributes":{"title":"\"Pharmakon\"","slug":"Pharmakon","body":"_\"In the four years that have passed since I wrote this piece, I have drifted stylistically from what I consider to be ‘confessional’ writing, no longer as compelled by the impetus to disclose ‘raw’ details about my personal life to bring the reader into an experience. But this produces a tension… how to write about a subject as personal as bleeding and hormonal contraception without honouring the intensities? Why write about it at all?_\n\n_Writing this piece afforded me the opportunity to speak with other people who bleed about their experiences with hormonal contraception. Each instance was varied and unique, but rarely straightforward, rarely without complexities. Through these conversations I was able to understand that my story, whilst personal, also provided a basis for solidarity. I am grateful that Pharmakon will have a home in \"Cycle Stories\". That this piece can be read alongside the words and works of others, that it is held in a broader context rather than isolated to an individual experience, is what makes me want to share it now._ \n\n_The year of my life when I was on the Implanon was characterised by a lack – of control, understanding, language. Pharmakon is my attempt at sense-making. It is, in its own way, the remedy.\"_\n\n---\n\n_What is not named does not exist\n– Harriet Lerner._\n\n**Body as Ostinato**\n\nI’m sick of bleeding. Red cramps, hot in the morning. Ouch when I least expect it.\n\n_Give it three months_, the doctor said. _We can put you on the pill after that._\nBut I don’t want more hormones. I’m bleeding because I’ve had the Implanon —a hormonal contraceptive device— inserted into a soft pouch of skin under my inner arm. \n\nI also don’t want broken condoms, sad balloons filled with lost sperm. Running to the chemist, trying to get there before it closes. The pharmacist asks if I’ve taken the morning after pill before and I nod and nod and say yes, yes plenty.\n\nI’m sick of oops! and\n_Can I borrow a tampon I won’t give it back haha._\nMy hot ovaries pulse. \nAnd Julian thinks we should buy more wet wipes. My shame stains him. His fingers covered in blood, I hope he doesn’t notice. Cleanliness is next to godliness and I feel dirty dirty dirty all the time.\n\nReminds me of 16, ouch in the back of a red car. His fingers inside me, apparently drilling for oil. Later on the toilet, peeling sticky cotton knickers off and wincing. A different kind of blood. Red in the back of a red car. Didn’t say _don’t do that that doesn’t feel good_. Just went down on him instead.\n\n**Body as Onus**\n\nI remember reading an article in The Guardian which said you can create a male hormonal contraceptive or whatever sure that’s all well and good but there’s no pill to make men trustworthy they’re not the ones who end up growing a life inside of them if they just didn’t feel like taking the pill for some reason one day they don’t have the same responsibility and I thought to myself huh I’ve never thought about that before.\n\n**Body as Fluids**\n\n_I’m here for all of it,_\nAn ex-boyfriend said to me.\n_Sweat, tears, blood, snot, cum._\n\nIt meant a lot then. It still means a lot now. He was good like that— good to me. \nBut sometimes it hurt when we had sex.\n\nSo, my mother says\n_There’s endometriosis in the family._\nAnd I have to Google what it is.\n‘The invisible disease affecting 1 in 10 women.’\nHow can it be invisible with so many women affected? But if that’s what I have, it could explain the pain, it could explain the swelling. \nLet’s go in for tests but it’s probably nothing it’s probably nothing.\n\n**Body as Inquiry**\n\nSpread legs in a paper-thin hospital gown.\n_This might feel cold_, says the ultrasound technician. \nA classic line, I think surely they only say that in the movies. And then there’s a big fat thick probe inside of me. She takes some photos. Click click. Black and white and grey on the screen. Then she pulls out the transducer and that’s it, that’s the end of my transvaginal ultrasound.\n\nWhen I received the results I didn’t go back to the doctors straight away. In fact I waited a year. Split up with the good boyfriend and sex was no longer painful. Eventually I do book myself an appointment. The doctor reads out the results and there’s the words ‘complex cyst’ but she tells me there’s nothing to worry about and then says _what else are you here for_ so I guess there’s no endo, I’ll never know why I hurt back then and I’m nearly in tears but I don’t know why.\n\n**Body as Western Philosophy**\n\n_The word ‘pharmakon’ traces back to ancient Greece. Loosely, it translates to ‘drug.’ But there has never been an agreement on its meaning. Pharmakon is both poison and cure, toxin and remedy._\n\n_I have been meditating on this duality. Hormonal contraception means less chance of unplanned pregnancy, more intimacy and apparently, more control (cure). But with it comes constant bleeding, unstable emotions and ironically, less control (poison)._\n\n_Like a vaccine, you must infect yourself to become inoculated. But the virus becomes a part of you, like it or not. My infection is also my cure._\n\n**Body as Control Experiment**\n\nImplanon NXT statistics suggest 1 in 5 women will continuously bleed for no explainable reason. In the first few months I am waking to blood nearly every day. Sometimes there is no blood. And there’s that brief window, this deep relief that its finally over. I won’t be the 1 in 5 after all. Then it’s laughing too loud at breakfast, that feeling when you think you might’ve peed your pants by accident. So I’m back in the bathroom, dabbing at fresh blood.\n\nI am also crying all the time. For a myriad of reasons, often unprompted. I’ve never felt this out of control of my own emotions. \n\nThree months come and go.\nI am prescribed Femme-Tab ED 20/100, a low dose combined oral contraceptive pill. It is supposed to stop the bleeding. And finally it works. And the next few months are blissful except for the fact that I don’t have a single natural period because if I stop taking the pill for just one day the bleeding returns and will not stop on its own.\n\nEventually even the pill can’t prevent my uterus from shedding its lining whenever it pleases. I don’t remember exactly when this happens, but I do remember swallowing my tiny white pills and praying that when I woke up the next day there wouldn’t be blood. \n\n**Body as Domestic Interior**\n\nI scrub blood out of sheets\n_You’re too aggressive you’ve got to dab it._\nI have learnt how to clean blood from almost everything I own. \n\nBlood on clothes\nBlood hitting the porcelain toilet bowl\nBlood on the bathroom tiles\nBlood on towels\nBlood on my labia, fingers, thighs. \nSweet smell of iron and something softly dying. \n\n\n**Body as Host**\n\nWhen they inject the anaesthetic into my arm, body becomes a detached thing, no longer part of my person. I have come to remove the Implanon because after a year I’m still bleeding.\nDoctor says \n_It’s really taken a liking to your arm_ and I feel sick.\nThis makes Implanon sound like a parasite. Got under my skin and made itself a home without my permission. And then it wouldn’t come out so there’s more anaesthetic and more numbing. Doctor keeps saying she can’t quite get a grip on it. Scalpel scraping skin, flesh, tendons. She cleans her tool on a tiny, bloody tissue.\n\nThis is supposed to take five minutes but the parasite stays nestled in body for over an hour. Turns out it had been mistakenly inserted into my muscle, which had in its own loving way begun to grow over the alien it was hosting. At least these will be the last tears caused by Implanon. \nDoctor asks \n_Does it hurt?_\nAnd I shake my head—tears are due to fear, due to desperation that Implanon won’t come out today. I know that body can’t go on like this—bleeding and bleeding and bleeding.\n\nOver the months, body has become a thing of constant analysis. In a later check-up, the doctor suggests coming off all hormones when the bleeding doesn’t stop. At least I’m not crying at nothing anymore. That is something that stopped.\n\n**Body as Science Fiction**\n\nThe day the parasite was inserted into my arm, Julian and I took a couple of tabs. Threw a lemon back and forth between us, cobblestones of the alley behind his house warm under our feet. It was summer— I wore a sleeveless shirt, bandage glowing white against my skin. When the acid kicked in I couldn’t stop touching the wound. It was hot, itchy, sore, bumpy, strange. And Julian had to keep telling me to leave it alone. I remember saying \n_I’m a cyborg._\nNow that it has been removed, only a scar remains.\nHave I become more human?\n\n**Body as Hindsight**\n\nI enter a reflective state after Implanon is removed: I am surprised by the lack of tears that burned body for almost a year— salty liquid welling at the smallest scrapes and words. During this year, my fragility made me feel like I could break and spill open at any moment. As could little drops of blood, waiting, waiting. \n\nSo back to condoms, back to sad balloons that break intimacy but contain mess, keep things clean. White sheets are possible, for now. This relief feels like cool water. Feels like swimming out behind where the waves break, where you can float for a while, still bobbing.\n⠀\n\n**Body as Confession**\n\nI am worried about writing about bleeding, about the uterus, vagina, femininity, womanhood, sexuality, my body. I am afraid of essentialising. A conversation with a friend from years ago has stuck with me. She sent me an article about an artist who places a camera inside her vagina, takes intimate photos of her lovers. My friend says: _When will people figure out that we’re over the vagina? Like, we get it._\n\nMore guilt. Contraceptive hormones revolutionised the world. There have been few greater inventions for women’s liberation. At this moment, when reproductive rights are being eroded around the world, I can’t help but feel ashamed by my divulgence.\n\nBut this liberation did not come without its costs. And hormonal contraceptives have never been neutral objects. They are entangled with class conflict, racial discrimination and gendered power dynamics. \n\nI look up ‘trans men contraceptive pill,’ read about the complications and difficulties these men face in gaining access to and being taken seriously by sexual health professionals. The terrain that is yet to be navigated is vast and open-ended. Above all else, I hope we approach it with kindness.\n\n**Body as Advice Column**\n\nI read a thread on a Facebook post about the IUD. A woman was asking for all those who’d had it to share their experiences. The comments were full of stories of pain and discomfort but ultimately it was the ‘best option’ and I was mad that this is what people who have a uterus have to go through. \n\n**Body as Episode Three**\n\nMy housemate and I are watching Michaela Coel’s new TV series ‘I May Destroy You.’ In one scene, the main character goes home from a club with a beautiful Italian man with large brown eyes. They’re hooking up, when she suddenly and slightly shamefully remembers she has her period. \nSo they lie a towel down on the bed, taking off their underwear. He asks if he can remove her tampon, and she says yes. He fucks her with his hand, until he stops and asks: what is that?\nIt’s a blood clot, she says. \nHe picks it up, turning it over in his fingers. He’s completely unperturbed, wondrous and gentle. \nBy this point my housemate has gasped and cringed and shrivelled. She says: _I’m all for period sex, but that is too much._\nIs it too much? I don’t believe so. I am humbled by our bodies that bleed, which we give over to others but must not cross the unspoken boundary between desirable and abject.\n\nIn her book _Powers of Horror_, Julia Kristeva theorised that abjection (shock, disgust, horror) occurs when we are confronted with our own materiality (vomit, waste, blood). She writes that this leaves us in a place “where meaning collapses.”\n\nI think about my own encounters with abjection, and all those who also bore witness to it. How lucky was I to bleed and bleed and bleed and still be wanted, still be fuckable. \n\n**Body as Coming of Age Film**\n\n_I find myself, despite it all, deeply attracted to blood. The unapologetic vitality of this red fluid, travelling through lifelines to come out, outside of the body. Yet still inherently tied to corporeality._\n\n_Elio has an unexpected nosebleed in one of the scenes from Call Me By Your Name. This happens after a particularly sexually charged moment with his secret lover, Oliver. But it is the emotional weight that cuts through. Following Elio as he leaves the table to get some tissues, Oliver asks with genuine concern: It wasn’t my fault, right?_\n_There is something deeply sensual about bleeding as a response to lust and rapture._\n\n_In the French body-horror film Raw, the main character Justine is a vegetarian who gets a taste for blood when she is hazed during her first days at veterinary school. Justine’s relationship to human flesh becomes erotic, consumed by uncontrollable desire. I resonate with the eroticism, the attraction to the way that blood defies control, making it at once exhausting and exhilarating._\n\n_In Diary of a Teenage Girl, the protagonist Minnie bleeds after the first time she has sex. I remember the scene clearly— after the fact, she uses her blood to draw a cross on her lover’s thigh. Body becomes territory. X marks the spot._\n\n_Bleeding exemplifies the personal as political. It is entirely my own and completely beyond me, rampant in the popular zeitgeist._\n\n**Body as Facebook Messenger**\n\nI type “bleeding” into my Messenger search bar. Shocked to see I can trace every step of my journey with the Implanon with just that one word — days and dates that seemed so blurry, perfectly preserved online. Next, I type “vagina.” Fewer results come up than expected. “Pussy” delivers more fruitful results. My mother sends me pictures of cats she meets in the street, always ‘pussy cat.’ A friend from home tells me he wants to move to Melbourne but he’s a ‘pussy.’ The search also brings up a flurry of sexts— most of which I’d forgotten about, plenty of them from high school, with people I never slept with and haven’t spoken to in years. Strange to see the same word popping up over and over.\n\nI am documented, these are my archives. My body transformed into code.\n\n**Body as Algorithm**\n\n_My data has me figured out. YouTube plays ads for Modibodi— a company which makes underpants designed for ‘free bleeding’ in place of sanitary products— before showing me my videos. I know the lines the actors say by heart._\n\n_Capitalism meets sustainability meets my own performance of femininity. I already own a menstrual cup. I eventually buy two pairs: one for heavy flow days, and one lacy ‘sensual’ pair for when I want to still look attractive in spite of the blood._\n\n_Instagram is no different. The ads are similar, but the recommended content explodes the paradigm even further outwards. My ‘explore’ page is full of pregnancy content— mom blogs, influencers. All happily married, documenting their journeys into motherhood._\n\n_I am not looking to get pregnant anytime soon. But I love this content. Find myself obsessing over the photos of baby showers, swollen bellies and smiling newborns. Give me more more more. It seems bleeding remains a sign of my fertility. Even the algorithm knows this._\n\n**Body as Gallery Space**\n\nIn 1975, Carol Schneeman performs ‘Interior Scroll.’\nStands naked on a table, draws a roll of paper from inside her vagina.\nBegins to read the words printed on it, taken from her own book. \n\nIn 2013, Casey Jenkins performs ‘Casting Off My Womb.”\nShe sits for 28 days, the length of a typical menstrual cycle, knitting from yarn she inserts daily into her vagina. \nOver these days the wool goes from white to red and back to white. \nIn 2016, she repeats the performance— this time weaving the torrents of abuse she received from internet trolls into her knitting. She has printed the comments on the wool. Taking those awful words and placing them inside her body, in order to bring them back out, transformed. \n\nI am seeking the kind of strength and courage and power and softness that these women (and so many others) offer. \n\n**Body as Traces**\n\n_I’ve been talking to Theo a lot. He lives far away but lately has become my primary confidant. Having both recently been through break ups, there is a certain comfort that comes with the validation of each other’s pain._\n\n_During one phone call, he starts to tell me an anecdote, then stops. When I press him, he says he feels odd sharing this, but he has a blanket which is still stained with his ex-girlfriend’s blood. He cannot bring himself to wash it._\n\n_We meditate on this idea; of the traces we leave behind. To be physically bound to a space, a time, a person in such an intimate yet disconnected way. The material transforms— it moves beyond sheets and haunts us, sticks to the soul. Her blood is a reminder. She is lingering even after she is gone._\n\n_I have bled in Julian’s bed, watched him carefully wipe his quilt cover with toilet paper, wet wipes, his own boxers. But now, he has left. What parts of me remain with him?_\n\n_A month before Julian broke up with me, I had decided to go back on the pill, to give it another shot. But in the greatest of ironies, I missed a period that month. Took three pregnancy tests, all negative. Two days after my heart shattered, I started bleeding again. I called Julian with a question that was more of a statement to say: I guess I don’t have to start taking the pill now. He paused, then said: No, I’m sorry._\n\n_I’m off hormones for now. My period has stabilised, returned to a typical monthly event. People leave. The bleeding stays but takes new forms. The circle breaks, the cycle continues. Everything is in flux._\n","color":"#346c34","subtitle":"my year on hormonal contraception","createdAt":"2025-01-15T21:18:42.397Z","updatedAt":"2025-05-05T12:28:22.546Z","publishedAt":"2025-01-23T06:46:45.051Z","author":"Talia Alba","meta_description":"An experimental text exploring the tension of visibility/invisibility of the menstrual cycle, contraception, sex and intimacy. ","rank":null,"image":{"data":{"id":84,"attributes":{"name":"blurry proccess.jpg","alternativeText":null,"caption":"photo of Polina Sirojegyna","width":3000,"height":1999,"formats":{"large":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/large_blurry_proccess_3476dc07b4.jpg","hash":"large_blurry_proccess_3476dc07b4","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"large_blurry proccess.jpg","path":null,"size":30.06,"width":1000,"height":666,"sizeInBytes":30058},"small":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/small_blurry_proccess_3476dc07b4.jpg","hash":"small_blurry_proccess_3476dc07b4","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"small_blurry proccess.jpg","path":null,"size":9.61,"width":500,"height":333,"sizeInBytes":9606},"medium":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/medium_blurry_proccess_3476dc07b4.jpg","hash":"medium_blurry_proccess_3476dc07b4","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"medium_blurry proccess.jpg","path":null,"size":17.89,"width":750,"height":500,"sizeInBytes":17887},"thumbnail":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/thumbnail_blurry_proccess_3476dc07b4.jpg","hash":"thumbnail_blurry_proccess_3476dc07b4","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"thumbnail_blurry proccess.jpg","path":null,"size":3.49,"width":235,"height":156,"sizeInBytes":3486}},"hash":"blurry_proccess_3476dc07b4","ext":".jpg","mime":"image/jpeg","size":284.07,"url":"/uploads/blurry_proccess_3476dc07b4.jpg","previewUrl":null,"provider":"local","provider_metadata":null,"createdAt":"2025-01-23T06:28:49.924Z","updatedAt":"2025-01-24T07:35:13.665Z"}}},"additional_components":[],"categories":{"data":[{"id":3,"attributes":{"name":"Observation Lab","slug":"observation-lab","description":null,"createdAt":"2025-08-03T07:37:55.928Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-03T07:49:26.039Z"}}]}}},{"id":7,"attributes":{"title":"\"Girls and Anxieties\"","slug":"girls-and-anxieties","body":"_[Marija Timofejeva](https://www.instagram.com/maksliniecemarija/) is an artist from Riga, Latvija. Recently together with artist [Grieta Bramane](https://www.instagram.com/baigiviegli/) she had her first major exhibition called \"Girlhood\". Marija's works are the noticing and putting on canvas what many of us girls are experiencing – and it felt just right to have a conversation about it for \"Cycle Stories\"._\n\n![touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_42c0b88643.jpg)\n\n_Touch and Laughter / 90×65cm, / oil on canvas_\n\nAlise\n\nWhere you are as an artist now?\n\nMarija\n\nMy main goal now is to connect with women, girls. The greatest pleasure for me as an artist are comments of girls who say \"wow, a plot like this can really be painted!\" Seeing people looking at my works and feeling that their experience is depicted on canvas.. That's the point of the household genre pictures I make.\n\nThat picture with a pad in the forest! The situation enraged me so much that I had to make art out of it.\n\nAlise\n\nVery familiar..\n\nMarija\n\nYeah! We went boating with my dad and I didn't think my period could start. I was so so confident it's impossible and didn't take anything with me. But of course that's what happened. Except for me there was only one older woman who wasn't having her periods anymore and didn't have anything with her as well.\n\nHere I am, knowing I have to spend the whole night in a tent in the forest while on my period. I had to come up with the unthinkable: napkins, plastic bags, two pairs of pants.. And the construct survived the night, but the situation felt so cinematic, I remembered it very vividly.\n\n![cerams_MT.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/cerams_MT_2e7e8f77ed.jpg)\n\n_It better fucking work / From 'Anxiety' series / 24.5 x 33 cm / Watercolor on paper_\n\nI often draw because something is making me anxious, without really thinking if others will relate to it, but it's cool to realise that ahh, that's what they feel as well..\n\nAlise\n\nWhat else is making you anxious?\n\nMarija\n\nI have this series of watercolors, it's called anxiety. I took different aspects of anxiety and made a picture about each. Actually, a lot of things make me anxious. Relationships with people. Breakups. Painful attachments.\n\nBut in this series I explored the anxiety that is rather a female anxiety. Pain in the chest, periods, acne and a pimple on a butt, breakup in a text message.. Life anxieties, you know.\n\n![Kruts Sap.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/Kruts_Sap_e82f922520.jpg)\n\n_Overthinking. Why does it hurt? / From 'Anxiety' series / 22.2x34cm / watercolor on paper_\n\nAlise\n\nIs it always easy to talk about things like this?\n\nMarija\n\nI was always very open about any of these topics. In primary school we talked about it with girls in aaall details. I never feared starting a conversation about periods or some other topics, you know. I actually always thought of it as something megafun – it felt like a real topic, like we finally spoke of something interesting! And it was funny to me that it made people feel embarassed..\n\nWe didn't talk a lot about it with my mom when I was younger, but we always talked very openly about feelings. And I guess I always felt this is the best way to communicate with others. I am not afraid to talk about different feelings and different topics, even \"embarassing\" ones.\n\nAlise\n\nIs there something revolutionary in this, a desire to disrupt?\n\nMarija\n\nDefinitely, yes. I feel a lot of fun when things embarrass people, I feel the need to shake everyone up, it's as if a little demon is suddenly awakened in me.\n\nAlise\n\nDo you ever feel shame?\n\nMarija\n\nI rarely feel shame. But that pimple on a butt was shameful, yes. I got it and I got a desire to cover it with plaster. But it's rather an anxious feeling too, worrying about some natural processes that are happening to my body.\n\nAnd when showing my works.. It's not a shame, but a slight embarrassment. The first exposed painting I ever made was the \"Point of view\". It was last summer and it was very scary to paint it. I was doing it in my room and every time I thought someone might come in (I live with my parents) I immediately turned the canvas away, as if I was doing something illegal.\n\nI also remember not sharing it on social media before I posted five other works from the series which I thought were more normal. But I knew I wanted to exhibit it.\n\nWhen I showed it at school I realised it’s not scary – I didn’t feel like I am being observed, my art was – and it’s something I want to be doing. And so I started painting other things like that and it was completely different, I didn't care that much anymore. I think this case opened some new chakra in me.\n\nAlise\n\nWhat's the story of chakra-opening \"Point of view\"?\n\nMarija\n\nWhen I started this series about girls, I had a table in my notebook where I listed the keywords and associations with them, both \"good\" or \"bad\". Like tears, they can be this and they can be that.. I wanted to maintain a balance between sad and funny pictures of girlhood in the series.\n\nAnd when thinking about the sad, I thought that all women can relate to the feeling of their stomach being weird.. Not any specific type of weird – but we are always in some kind of relationship with our stomachs. They can feel too big for some reason and we imagine being too fat or pregnant, or start looking for other reasons – does it mean I'll have my period soon or am I ovulating?..\n\nI decided to draw this big stomach from the point of view of a woman, and one time after looking at myself in this way for a while I thought well, this is how you draw it.\n\n![skats_marija_timofejeva.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/skats_marija_timofejeva_cddb4780a7.jpg)\n\n_Point of view / 40x50cm / oil on canvas_\n\nAlise\n\nWhat do you think of inspiration?\n\nMarija\n\nIt is cool and it exists for sure, but when I work I just have to make a schedule of when I paint and do it. To reach a canvas and a work itself, it is just a very technical self-training. And as soon as I begin I get in a flow and start working from inspiration.\n\nAlise\n\nWhat did your teachers think of the series?\n\nMarija\n\nI was very proud and excited to show the works of the series at school – please, look, rate them, do you see the plots! But the only comment I got was that my work looked like a purple soup and I have no knowledge in color theory.. Nothing about the plots! It hurt me a lot.\n\nWell, the comment was legit from the point of view of academic painting, soon I started noticing these mistakes myself.\n\nI got better again when I started painting more just for myself. Doing some watercolors at home I realised I am actually really cool, my ideas are cool and I do it well! I'm happy I spent that time creating a lot of work, even without paying proper attention to academic painting. I think that was way better than if I'd just be sitting here thinking that I'm only nineteen and can't do anything.\n\n![mamma_MT.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/mamma_MT_f5f6f08f56.jpg)\n\n_When her mother left a comment on her body for the first time / From 'Childhood's End' series / 50×70cm / oil on canvas_\n\nAlise\n\nWhat is womanhood for you?\n\nMarija\n\nAh, it is funny that I keep drawing this and it's still such a difficult question. I guess it is women's connection, our moments with other women. I don't think of myself individually when thinking of womanhood, but of laughing with my girls, some of our conversations. Things that I cannot imagine without other women.\n\nAlise\n\nAnd what is female friendship?\n\nMarija\n\nIt is full trust and knowing that you'll be really listened and understood, it is knowing that the other will fully give themselves to understand you in the most empathetic way possible. Such a gift that women have.\n\nAlise\n\nYou had an exhibition together with Grieta Bramane, right? What is your favourite painting of hers?\n\nMarija\n\nYes! Let it be \"Rekur\" (\"Look, here!\" in Latvian)\n\n![rekur-fin.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/rekur_fin_aa50bd5506.jpg)\n\n_Rekur / Grieta Bramane / 2024 / 60 x 50 cm / Oil, pastels, lace on canvas_\n\n\n\n\n\n","color":"#346c34","subtitle":"art of Marija Timofejeva","createdAt":"2025-05-09T08:25:21.956Z","updatedAt":"2025-12-09T20:18:15.531Z","publishedAt":"2025-05-09T08:34:27.953Z","author":"Alise īlena","meta_description":"Young artist from Riga Marija Timofejeva reflects on womanhood, shamelessness and creativity in conversation with writer Alise Ilena.","rank":null,"image":{"data":{"id":92,"attributes":{"name":"touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva.jpg","alternativeText":null,"caption":null,"width":4982,"height":3620,"formats":{"large":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/large_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_8cd31fc92f.jpg","hash":"large_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_8cd31fc92f","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"large_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva.jpg","path":null,"size":105.27,"width":1000,"height":727,"sizeInBytes":105272},"small":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/small_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_8cd31fc92f.jpg","hash":"small_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_8cd31fc92f","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"small_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva.jpg","path":null,"size":28.87,"width":500,"height":363,"sizeInBytes":28872},"medium":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/medium_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_8cd31fc92f.jpg","hash":"medium_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_8cd31fc92f","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"medium_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva.jpg","path":null,"size":60.54,"width":750,"height":545,"sizeInBytes":60544},"thumbnail":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/thumbnail_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_8cd31fc92f.jpg","hash":"thumbnail_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_8cd31fc92f","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"thumbnail_touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva.jpg","path":null,"size":7.34,"width":215,"height":156,"sizeInBytes":7339}},"hash":"touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_8cd31fc92f","ext":".jpg","mime":"image/jpeg","size":3557.52,"url":"/uploads/touch_and_laughter_marija_timofejeva_8cd31fc92f.jpg","previewUrl":null,"provider":"local","provider_metadata":null,"createdAt":"2025-05-09T08:19:26.625Z","updatedAt":"2025-05-09T08:19:26.625Z"}}},"additional_components":[],"categories":{"data":[{"id":4,"attributes":{"name":"Art gallery","slug":"art-gallery","description":null,"createdAt":"2025-08-03T07:38:21.313Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-03T07:49:12.685Z"}}]}}},{"id":2,"attributes":{"title":"How menstrual cycle works?","slug":"how-menstrual-cycle-works","body":"_Karlīna Elksne is a certified gynaecologist and obstetrician. She is also a vegetarian, a lecturer, and a mom. She is simply awesome, and I asked her to explain in everyday language what a menstrual cycle is – the topic this project is about. She also answered my questions on contraception, period pain, and natural remedies._\n\n::qa{id=1}::","color":"#346c34","subtitle":"explained by gyno","createdAt":"2024-08-02T09:14:56.881Z","updatedAt":"2025-12-09T20:19:53.750Z","publishedAt":"2024-08-02T09:14:58.915Z","author":"Alise Īlena","meta_description":null,"rank":null,"image":{"data":{"id":46,"attributes":{"name":"cycle9.jpg","alternativeText":null,"caption":"photo of Janīna Valerija Bahvalova","width":1280,"height":867,"formats":{"large":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/large_cycle9_076d3884bb.jpg","hash":"large_cycle9_076d3884bb","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"large_cycle9.jpg","path":null,"size":63.7,"width":1000,"height":677,"sizeInBytes":63695},"small":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/small_cycle9_076d3884bb.jpg","hash":"small_cycle9_076d3884bb","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"small_cycle9.jpg","path":null,"size":13.86,"width":500,"height":339,"sizeInBytes":13863},"medium":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/medium_cycle9_076d3884bb.jpg","hash":"medium_cycle9_076d3884bb","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"medium_cycle9.jpg","path":null,"size":32.06,"width":750,"height":508,"sizeInBytes":32064},"thumbnail":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/thumbnail_cycle9_076d3884bb.jpg","hash":"thumbnail_cycle9_076d3884bb","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"thumbnail_cycle9.jpg","path":null,"size":4.14,"width":231,"height":156,"sizeInBytes":4145}},"hash":"cycle9_076d3884bb","ext":".jpg","mime":"image/jpeg","size":112.73,"url":"/uploads/cycle9_076d3884bb.jpg","previewUrl":null,"provider":"local","provider_metadata":null,"createdAt":"2024-05-18T16:38:40.589Z","updatedAt":"2025-01-24T07:35:30.613Z"}}},"additional_components":[{"id":1,"__component":"content.q-and-a","qna_id":1,"qna":[{"id":1,"q":"So what is the menstrual cycle?","a":"The menstrual cycle is a physiological process involving hormonal fluctuations in a woman's* body. It's a cyclical, naturally occurring process that begins on the first day of bleeding and ends just before the next bleeding. It typically lasts for 21-35 days _(and consists of four phases: Menstruation, Follicular phase, Ovulation, and Luteal phase, [note from the editor])_.\n\nAlthough these fluctuations are primarily hormonal, they interact closely with our anatomical changes, affecting the entire female anatomy.\n\nThe menstrual cycle doesn't begin in the womb, as we might think. It actually starts in the head: the brain signals the ovaries, and the ovaries signal the uterus. That's why there's a saying that \"menstruation begins in the head.\" \n\nWhile we see the menstrual cycle as a phenomenon of the uterus, it is actually a hormonal phenomenon of the whole body."},{"id":2,"q":"What does the menstrual cycle affect?","a":"It influences many aspects of our body, far beyond just the genital system. Cycle fluctuations can affect energy levels, mental state, and desires, including sexual desire. Scientific studies have shown that sexual desire is typically higher during ovulation, and even sexual behaviour can be different at this time, sometimes becoming more uncritical – with \"high risk\" sexual behavior more common on ovulation day.\n\nBut a big \"but\" must be added – it is certainly not the same for all women. While we all experience similar hormonal changes, our body's receptors perceive these hormones differently. One woman might find that rising estrogen greatly affects her performance, while another might not notice any difference. Some women are more susceptible to cycle fluctuations, while others experience them more evenly. What you read about the menstrual cycle won't necessarily apply to you."},{"id":3,"q":"Is it a good idea to explore my menstrual cycle, like, to have a diary for it?","a":"Yes, if you want to understand what it is like for you. Keeping a cycle diary for a few months can be very insightful. Of course some people can just notice things, without writing them down, but for those who don't have a strong sense of their cycle or think it doesn't affect them, trying to track it can be eye-opening.\n\nYou might notice patterns like feeling particularly beautiful and blossoming during ovulation, wanting to have more sex, or eating more – and then, in the final phase of the cycle, you can find yourself sad and depressed, more easily offended, or wanting to divorce your partner.\n\nEven if you try having a diary and realise the cycle doesn't in fact affect you, it is normal, too. But remembering it is the case for some other people, you can become more empathetic towards a fellow colleague who is sad some days and nothing can cheer them up. All bosses must know this in order to better understand some of their employees. Women are different, it can happen and it should be accepted."},{"id":4,"q":"Is it legitimate to take a sick leave during my period?","a":"Absolutely. PMS is a valid reason for sick leave, and doctors are obligated to provide it based on PMS symptoms. It's not a minor issue, women shouldn't feel ashamed of it or force themselves to work half dead.\n\nI had a patient, an excellent teacher, who experienced such severe menstrual migraines that she couldn't work for three days each month. In such cases, taking sick leave is necessary. If you can't work, you can't work – there's no shame in saying you have PMS. But of course you are not obliged to reveal the reasons either."},{"id":5,"q":"Why does the doctor ask about the cycle day?","a":"As I said, hormonal fluctuations affect anatomy, and your anatomy can change depending on the day of your cycle. Each day of the cycle has different norms. For example, if we do sonography, the inner layer of the uterus will look very different depending on the cycle day. Knowing the cycle day helps us understand whether what we're seeing corresponds to the specific norm. The day of the cycle is important for both radiological examinations (looking at the ultrasonography image) and the interpretation of analyses."},{"id":6,"q":"And is there a better day for a gynaecological visit?","a":"It depends on the purpose of the visit. For preventive visit including sonography, if you don't have any complaints, I'd recommend coming at the beginning of the cycle, if it is possible to choose. This is only due to the fact that all the \"excess\" in the uterine cavity has been released during menstruation, and the uterine cavity (its inner surface of the uterus) is at its thinnest.\n\nBut of course, if you have specific complaints, then it is better to come when these symptoms are most noticeable so that we can see the true corresponding picture."},{"id":7,"q":"What happens to my cycle if I use hormonal contraceptives?","a":"When using hormonal contraceptives, your natural ovarian cycle is suppressed. Essentially, you're guided by the \"perfect cycle\" of the pills rather than your ovarian cycle.\n\nIf your cycle has caused you anxiety, for example, you have had severe symptoms of premenstrual syndrome, then using the \"perfect\" cycle of the pill will likely alleviate these issues. \n\nThe uterine cycle remains the same, but the uterus experiences it as a very smooth and rhythmic menstrual cycle. Your brain receptors will also perceive this as a balanced, calm menstrual cycle.\n\nWhether this is good or bad depends on your goals. If you wanted to suppress natural fluctuations, which can be problematic for many women (PMS occurs very often, at least in my practice), then it's very good. If your goal is to feel as natural as possible and give free rein to all your instincts, to feel not formally good, but as you really are, then rather not – but this is more of a philosophical question.\n\nLet's stick to this: if cycle fluctuations are a concern for you, then the contraceptive cycle is definitely a good solution for you."},{"id":8,"q":"Is severe period pain a sign that something is wrong with me?","a":"I don't think it's necessarily something patological. There are women who can find absolutely no anatomical or physiological reasons for the pain, but the pain is still there. Of course, I don't think that pain should be endured – nowadays, there are many solutions that are harmless to health."},{"id":9,"q":"Why one period can be more painful and another one – less painful?","a":"It really depends on your overall lifestyle. PMS is a syndrome where lifestyle plays a significant role – we can greatly influence PMS symptoms through lifestyle changes.\n\nAgain, an example from life. I have a wonderful patient who unfortunately had a very severe PMS. She was also a volunteer in National Armed Forces – and she noticed her symptoms were much less pronounced or even absent during months when she had National Guard training – when she was wandering through forests and swamps for three days, in the fresh air, running all the time. Respectively - an intense exercise in the fresh air seemed to help.\n\nDiet is also very important: increased consumption of antioxidants found in green leafy vegetables, fruits, and berries can be beneficial."},{"id":10,"q":"What if a doctor says everything is fine with my hormones, but I still have severe pain or breakouts?","a":"When the doctor says that everything is fine with the hormones, it does not mean anything. Hormones are only one part of our cycle and can be measured in blood tests and sometimes in urinalysis. But there's another crucial element – our receptors and how they perceive each hormone.\n\nFor instance, skin issues often attributed to hormonal imbalances can occur even when hormone levels are normal. Often girls come and say – the dermatologist told me I break out is in the gynaecological areas (typically the chin, forehead) and there is definitely an increase in androgens. We check – and androgens are completely adequate, repeated even in two or three measurements.\n\nThe problem might be in the skin receptors that are hypersensitive to these hormones. Such sensitive receptors can be anywhere, including in the uterus, and thus hormone analyses will be completely adequate, these hormones can even be in the lower limits, but the problem is still there. Receptor sensitivity is what it is, we cannot measure or change it. And in this case hormonal contraceptives can help balance things out – hormonal problems often need to be addressed with hormonal solutions.\n\nI don't want to advertise hormonal contraceptives, but there are really difficult situations when this might be needed as a treatment, for example, when a girl who doesn't live a sexual life and contraception is not relevant for her has to skip school or trainings for three days each month, to have no social life.\n\nOf course, pain medication should always be the first choice, but if that doesn't help, then yes, try hormonal birth control."},{"id":11,"q":"What if hormonal contraceptives cause side effects, but the doctor says it can't be true? How safe are they to use?","a":"Side effects can certainly be real. There's no one-size-fits-all drug yet. Some people are allergic to vitamins or aspirin, so reactions to hormonal contraceptives are certainly possible. Certainly, the side effects of hormonal contraceptives are greatly exaggerated in our society, it is not that everyone who starts taking them will instantly gain weight, it is not true. But emotionality, depression, sensitivity – it can occur.\n\nIf you want to try hormonal contraceptives, don't assume that you will definetely be that one of a hundred who will experience specific side effect. Also, sometimes there's only one specific pill that doesn't work for you, and there are many nowadays.\n\nI had a patient who had changed two pills before me, and the first one I prescribed didn't work for her either, but the fourth one did. And again, this does not mean that this fourth tablet would work for everyone. \n\nIt's worth experimenting, you won't lose anything. To use it for three months, to realize that it does not work, to quit and start life again. It's safe to try.\n\nBut it's important to note that there's a group of patients who shouldn't use any hormonal contraception. For example, patients with breast, ovarian, and uterine cancer, thrombus embolism, and patients with a body mass index above 35 who also smoke."},{"id":12,"q":"Can grandmas methods help with pain? My friend was wearing a cardamom bracelet during her periods! ","a":"If something harmless helps you, by all means, use it. If it helps you, it's obviously because your receptors are predisposed to it, and I'm so not against it. If a patient says that a cardamom bracelet around her wrist helped with her pain, I would say please, wear it. Of course, it is much healthier than taking painkillers. \n\nWell, if you take a pain killer once a month, twice, it's okay, but if you take three pills every day for a week, it can really damage your liver and kidneys, so better the cardamom bracelet."},{"id":13,"q":"And is a hot bath during your period good or bad?","a":"What helps, helps, also the bath. What does the heat do? Heat can increase bleeding, that's why saunas or hot baths are not recommended in case of any bleeding. But heat also relaxes the body, including the muscles and ligaments of the uterus. As the pain can also come from tension in the muscles and ligaments of the uterus, the hot bath can help. You have to see for yourself if the positive effect of the bath is greater than the increased bleeding."},{"id":14,"q":"Do different phases of the cycle have their own rules?","a":"There is nothing strict. I can only give recommendations, but there are certainly no restrictions .\n\nClassically, it's described that in the second phase of the cycle you can be less energetic and less willing to do things. But I've met patients who experience a surge in productivity during menstruation – it's not pathological, just less common. \n\nRegarding physical activities, my universal recommendation would be to stay physically active regardless of the cycle day – it gives us a lot.\n\nI've just returned from the world congress of gynaecologists, and I say this: ten years ago there was certainly not as much talk about the effects of diet and products, nor about the effect of physical activity on the menstrual cycle, as it is now – there are more and more new studies on how it affects us.\n\nSo to maintain a healthy menstrual cycle and reduce the risk of various diseases, I would recommend at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week, not counting routine activities like walking to work. Aim for at least three moderate-intensity training sessions per week."}]}],"categories":{"data":[{"id":1,"attributes":{"name":"Pharmacy","slug":"pharmacy","description":null,"createdAt":"2025-08-03T07:33:20.917Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-03T07:49:30.499Z"}}]}}},{"id":4,"attributes":{"title":"Healing gardens","slug":"healing-gardens","body":"_One summer my friend and artist Aleksejs Malishevs called me from the Hague so we could have a conversation on healing properties of plants, art and femininity. We also admired grandmas and shared our hopes for the future._\n\nAlise\n\nRemember I was telling you about that book on the healing powers of depression?\n\nAleksejs\n\nYes, I've read it\n\nAlise\n\nOh nice! So there was this take about four originally matriarchal and also most effective cures for depression: sexuality, gaze, creation, and soil. When I think of it now, it feels like it is pretty much what you do in your practice and your research of feelings, body, growth, especially the soil part.\n\nTell me about \"_The Garden_\". The first plant I saw was the \"_Angels Wings_\" one. How did you come up with these?\n\n\n![aw.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/medium_aw_8b336aa1f7.jpg)\n\n\n>_Angels Wings_\n\n\n>\"_Normally, grows near the localities of oppressed environments, as it is attracted by toxic erruptions of ideologies. Especially well adapted to grow near solidified concrete areas. Has a marvelous capacity to digest toxic elements and break them down to essential feelings. Metaphorically speaking, it manifests a will to live and break through obstacles. At first, each new layer of leaves represents the head of a stark and later on opens up in a shape that is reminiscent of a pair of wings\"._\n\nAleksejs\n\nI have always felt a strong interest towards plants, and I really liked the connection between plants and healing. It smelled of magic and sorcery to me, but I didn't really understand how it all works. \n\nI had chamomile, peppermint, and valerian root at home, but it doesn't seem like I'm going deep enough, and I didn't have a herbalist or healer's certificate.\n\nAnd then I've developed a hypothesis that I wanted to test: what if a big part of this magical process of healing depends on the narrative that we put into the process? I've always loved the names of the plants – immortelle, motherwort, slippery elm – they sound so special, and I thought – wow, this is a ready tale of the plant, it tells something and that's enough for me.\n\nThen I had an image of a plant with leaves shaped like bird's wings. I thought: with the root we come from one point, from the earth, the root is not even visible, but we feel it and we are certainly connected with it. The stem thought can grow in any direction, it can even strive to the opposite to explore freedom and will and possibility of expanding boundaries. The question is, will a bird actually grow from this plant, can it be separate from its root? I don't know the answer yet.\n\nAlise\n\nMaybe it will make her a dried bird\n\nAleksejs\n\nYes, a herbarium\n\nAlise\n\nAnd my favourite plant is \"The Old Crying Heart\" . I was amazed how it hit the spot of my being – I am an old crying heart!\n\n![och.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/medium_och_cf2649788f.jpg)\n\n_An Old Crying Heart_ :\n\n\"_This plant inaugurates nostalgia, vigorously intoxicating one's emotional landscape with a flood of sentimental feelings. Old Crying Heart manifests a moment of deep grief, witnessing poetic evanescence of life. Entropy. This moment brings both appreciation and stagnation. \"It's never gonna be the same as before.\" This simultaneously precious and dangerous plant is extremely rare, officially allowed to be grown in special reservoirs placed under strict supervision. Nowadays, this seemingly poetic kind is used as a secret military weapon\"._\n\nAleksejs\n\nEach plant has its contraindications and side effects. Healing properties can also be poisonous, and I wanted to create the feeling that there is no bad and good plant, no weed or panacea, they all just have different properties.\n\nAlise\n\nAbout weeds, I only recently realised that the plant is just a plant and an animal is just an animal, it's us people who call them weeds or precious species, friends or pests, because this is how our relationship with them developed. Maybe some languages have other words and thus can see the world as less hostile to us. \n\nAnyway, what is healing to you? Why does it interest you and what exactly are you trying to achieve?\n\nAleksejs\n\nI am fascinated by the process of healing – and as it comes from the word \"whole\", it is a process when we can restore ourselves or help others to restore themselves, acquiring full vital force so that we can continue to explore this world.\n\nI also really like to watch how these processes occur in nature – if you damage the bark of a tree, resin will come out, then it will begin to heal and over time it will form a scar. It is very beautiful to me, even though it's traumatic. And you can't really resist the process, you should have the experience, digest it and keep going.\n\nThis path has no specific methods, it is not necessarily herbs or soil, it can be anything. A walk at the right moment, some good interactions with people, or just digging in the sand because you want to, or lighting a candle and watching it.\n\nAnd it all comes down to this theme of cyclicality, observing your own cycles – what is happening to you now.\n\nAlise\n\nTo me the poisonous side of healing is wanting to do it right, up and forward, so that it is a successful healing and I will get something for it, a golden medal.\nThen also If I am so very healed, why would I feel so bad?\n\nIt is very difficult for me to understand and remember for a long time that healing is not about the fact that I will no longer feel bad, that some spectrum of my emotions that we consider unpleasant will no longer bother me.\n\nAleksejs\n\nYes, and it seems to me that if healing is a return to one's neutral, whole state, then maybe at some moments we also need new traumas, to gain this experience and go even further.\n\nThis is where healing manifests itself – entering tense moments we must remember that we will need to find a way back. But having gone through this cycle we are enriched with something.\n\nAlise\n\nVery plant-based way to see the world. I mean, isn't it what plants are doing – experience different cycles of day and year, different weather – snowstorms, winds, and finding a way to recover; and if they are annuals, they manage to sow enough seeds for next ones to grow.\n\nAleksejs\n\nYes. My partner was reading a book about seasons and she read to me that plants have a very cyclical feeling of time, but us people rather perceive time linearly. We live through years and stay alive, while plants sprout in the spring, experience their culmination in the summer, and then wither again, go into hibernation, or maybe even die.\n\nWe are not always aware of our own cyclicality, but it is there – our resources depend on the time of year and how everything changes around us. We, like all living things, animals and plants, have a beginning, middle and end, and something else can happen later.\n\nWhat if we rather look at our linear life through various smaller cycles – something begins to emerge in us, reaches the fruition, maybe in the form of a new developed skill or a surge of strength, and then there's a decline, a kind of death. And we can also plant seeds in advance, for the future.\n\nAlise\n\nI think it's true. Those with menstrual cycles literally die anew every month, and it's so sad that not much is said about it. I really couldn't understand it – how can I feel so good now, and two weeks later it's terrible, and then good again? It's a very exhausting race, if you don't understand that it's natural, realise what's happening in each phase and stay present – okay, now it's bad, but not forever, okay, it's good again, but not forever.\n\nThen there's also depression, which is considered an illness, but I try to look at it as a phase of our life story, too, the dark and sleepy one; and also parting with people, with friends, loved ones – it is a phase of completion of something that once started and was also in a full force at some point.\n\nII\n\nAlise\n\nWhat you do in your artistic practice – weaving, knitting, growing – can be traditionally seen as feminine. What do you think and feel about this? Can you divide artistic practice by gender?\n\nAleksejs\n\nI first came into contact with this issue when working with weaving technology for my diploma thesis. My teacher recommended a feminist book to me, and also pointed out that what I was doing had feminine properties – the very process of interaction with textiles and fabrics historically happened to be considered feminine.\n\nBut then in a book it was explored why it happened like this – quite artificially, actually, in the course of the development of the patriarchal perspective. When the division into male and female duties began, women were forced to work with fabrics, embroider, and eventually this began to be considered a very feminine type of work – but this isn't necessarily true.\n\nI think there is a lot of aggressiveness in working with fabrics, which is classically attributed to male activities – this is not so obvious, but there are needles, cutting, rupturing in this process, it is super transformative, and not at all just peaceful.\n\nAlise\n\nThis is one of the most difficult topics in the world for me, the legitimacy of concepts of femininity and masculinity. They are definitely made-up concepts, most of us can agree that every human has a full range of feelings, and why some of them are attributed to the masculine and some of them to the feminine, no one probably remembers.\n\nOne of my teachers once said – _how can you have a masculine quality if you consider yourself a woman? If you are a woman and this is your quality, it is a woman's quality._ Your female rage, your female desire to smash everything, you know.\n\nWhat about you, do you believe in these concepts, are they limiting or empowering you?\n\nAleksejs\n\nI have become interested in weaving, knitting, and braiding not because they are for women, but because of the properties they have – a thread is long and twisting, it creates connections, it tells a story, but can also be cut; and when you weave, new layers grow, build up, multiply – as if a plant is growing.\n\nFrom my earlier years I can remember that I was more shy in interaction with knitting and embroidery, mostly because I thought it might seem strange in the society, a boy who embroiders, although to me it was always incredibly inspiring.\n\nAnd as to the concept of masculine and feminine – I feel closer to the concept of yin and yang, the aggressive and the pacifying element, which are still one whole and need each other. This formula is related to any processes and it does not matter what gender someone is.\n\nAlise\n\nWhat influenced your worldview and interests?\n\nAleksejs\n\nThe first thing that comes to mind is that when I was a child, our family had a vegetable garden, we were growing things there and I really liked being a part of it. It became very important for me, being there and observing these processes, even though I was little and didn't participate much, but I was present.\n\nAnd another thing, very symbolic to me, also from childhood – when my grandmother and I were taking trains, she loved to buy all sorts of magazines at the station to read on the road.\n\nThere were all sorts of things like \"_Home doctor_\", \"_The herbalist_\", and there were often stories about plants and their properties that she read to me.\n\nI was terribly interested to learn that dandelions can be eaten, that you can make a salad from them that has so many properties that it will almost make you immortal, that was my perception.\n\nAlise\n\nAhh, grandmothers are great guides, whether you really have one or it is a grandmother figure.. I have one more question for you. What kind of world would you like to live in ten years, if it could be anything?\n\nAleksejs\n\nAs a beginning artist with all my ambitions I often want to end up somewhere, and often at the moment of impatience I want it right now, which can lead to disappointment that I am not there yet..\n\nI would really like to settle in a state where I am good at the moment as it is, where I can observe my processes better, be more in sync with them and feel comfortable.\nThat's where I would like to be in ten years, and I probably won't be able to move far away from the topic of gardening, to be in this personal garden, to look at what is growing there and to give it time. This is the biggest challenge for me at the moment.\n\nAlise\n\nYes, for me it is also very important to remember that I can't simply end up at point B. And even if I could, it would not have much value. Here I am sitting with everything around me being just as I wanted it, a beautiful world, and so what?\n\nAleksejs\n\nYes. I think it is difficult to find ourselves in this beautiful world without internal preparation. I imagine finding myself in this ideal world with exactly the same understanding of this world as I have now and I don't really see the point in it.\n\n꩜\n\n\n\n\nBooks mentioned in this conversation:\n\n- \"Tales of Reversible Death: Depression as a Healing Force\" by Simone Matzliach-Chanoch \n- \"Nagori\" by Ryoko Sekiguchi \n- \"The subversive stitch\" by Rozsika Parke \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n \n","color":"#346c34","subtitle":"a talk with artist Aleksejs Malishevs","createdAt":"2024-09-08T15:01:38.125Z","updatedAt":"2025-05-09T08:55:00.437Z","publishedAt":"2024-09-15T10:53:16.089Z","author":"Alise Īlena","meta_description":null,"rank":null,"image":{"data":{"id":80,"attributes":{"name":"здфтее.jpg","alternativeText":null,"caption":"\"Angels Wings\", art by Aleksejs Malishevs","width":962,"height":950,"formats":{"small":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/small_zdftee_fabcafee62.jpg","hash":"small_zdftee_fabcafee62","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"small_здфтее.jpg","path":null,"size":76.23,"width":500,"height":494,"sizeInBytes":76232},"medium":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/medium_zdftee_fabcafee62.jpg","hash":"medium_zdftee_fabcafee62","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"medium_здфтее.jpg","path":null,"size":176.78,"width":750,"height":741,"sizeInBytes":176775},"thumbnail":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/thumbnail_zdftee_fabcafee62.jpg","hash":"thumbnail_zdftee_fabcafee62","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"thumbnail_здфтее.jpg","path":null,"size":8.64,"width":158,"height":156,"sizeInBytes":8644}},"hash":"zdftee_fabcafee62","ext":".jpg","mime":"image/jpeg","size":319.26,"url":"/uploads/zdftee_fabcafee62.jpg","previewUrl":null,"provider":"local","provider_metadata":null,"createdAt":"2024-10-16T12:23:41.518Z","updatedAt":"2025-01-24T07:34:36.740Z"}}},"additional_components":[],"categories":{"data":[{"id":4,"attributes":{"name":"Art gallery","slug":"art-gallery","description":null,"createdAt":"2025-08-03T07:38:21.313Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-03T07:49:12.685Z"}}]}}},{"id":5,"attributes":{"title":"A book on choice","slug":"sheilaheti_motherhood","body":"_Sheila Heti’s “Motherhood” (2018) is the book I keep recommending since the day I first found it in a library. The recommendation usually slips out of my lips when we start discussing exactly this — motherhood and how it is both so possible and so impossible, age, time, inevitability of choice, one or another, conscious or passive; as well as our relationships with mothers._\n\n_\"Does the lizard brain trick the body into singing its ancient song?\", the author is asking, later concluding that confronting nature or succumbing to what it demands from the body are equally difficult choices. Below there are some quotes from \"Motherhood\" I wanted to share on \"Cycle Stories\" project._\n\n# On menstrual cycle\n\n\"What to make of God's two faces, the all-accepting and loving New Testament Ovulating God, and the vindictive and rageful Old Testament PMS God? How to reconcile these two within my own body? To try and understand my moods: my two weeks of unhappiness—PMS, the luteal phase. Then a few days of bleeding. Then a week of mild newness — the follicular phase — when my body is preparing for new life, and ideas come to me easily. Then a few days of ovulating, those days of sparkling joy, when my body most wants to fuck, and nothing in my life feels off. Maybe if I can predict this cycle, I won't have to take my moods as personally, or do such elaborate contortions to escape them, but can see them for what they are: part of nature, like clouds are part of the sky. Maybe my moods are evidence of how a human is part of time, or is bound to time, or is time. The female body, in particular, expresses time and is close to time. When the blood comes out, another month has passed\".\n\n# On writing\n\n\"I had such a nice time the next day, pacing in the sunlight before my 4:30 lecture, realizing how much writing has given me, and feeling so lucky that this passion was mine right there, in the center of my life. And you are never lonely while writing, I thought, it's impossible to be, categorically impossible because writing is a relationship. You're in a relationship with some force that is more mysterious than yourself. As for me, I suppose it has been the central relationship of my life\".\n\n# On partnership\n\n\"There is a part of me that isn't taking any of this writing seriously because there's a man in the next room, sleeping. Something about him being there suspends me above all this writing. Because I'm getting something from him, I don't feel like searching for answers. Did my words protect me before, whereas I have no need of their protection now? Were they how I comforted myself before, while I have less need of their comfort now? Do I no longer need to structure the chaos, for love not only structures it, but gives meaning to everything?\" \n\n# On life\n\n\"Lying there in its bassinette, the baby seemed to be just waiting out its life in this magic web, this web that has caught another soul in it, to trap it here for so many years, then finally let it go again. The baby seemed to me a glimmering fish in a silvery net, a shining and throbbing soul; it didn't matter what it did with its life, just being here was the thing. I saw how our lives are not about action, are not about contemplation, they're just about being here, suspended in life's net — here for such a short time, glinting and glittering against the sun, lifted out of the ocean's depths to where everyone can see it, then plunged back in again — anonymous, gone\".\n\n# On choice\n\n\"It’s not the matter of choosing one life over another, but being sensitive to the life that wants to be lived through you\".","color":"#346c34","subtitle":"I keep sharing with my girlfriends","createdAt":"2024-09-08T15:07:23.131Z","updatedAt":"2025-06-19T15:09:17.860Z","publishedAt":"2025-03-01T11:51:52.753Z","author":null,"meta_description":"Quotes from Sheilas Heti \"Motherhood\" on female reproductive health, creativity, love.","rank":null,"image":{"data":{"id":89,"attributes":{"name":"IMG_6315 (2).JPG","alternativeText":null,"caption":null,"width":2096,"height":1179,"formats":{"large":{"ext":".JPG","url":"/uploads/large_IMG_6315_2_6e20587513.JPG","hash":"large_IMG_6315_2_6e20587513","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"large_IMG_6315 (2).JPG","path":null,"size":20.72,"width":1000,"height":563,"sizeInBytes":20717},"small":{"ext":".JPG","url":"/uploads/small_IMG_6315_2_6e20587513.JPG","hash":"small_IMG_6315_2_6e20587513","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"small_IMG_6315 (2).JPG","path":null,"size":7.69,"width":500,"height":281,"sizeInBytes":7685},"medium":{"ext":".JPG","url":"/uploads/medium_IMG_6315_2_6e20587513.JPG","hash":"medium_IMG_6315_2_6e20587513","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"medium_IMG_6315 (2).JPG","path":null,"size":13.54,"width":750,"height":422,"sizeInBytes":13544},"thumbnail":{"ext":".JPG","url":"/uploads/thumbnail_IMG_6315_2_6e20587513.JPG","hash":"thumbnail_IMG_6315_2_6e20587513","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"thumbnail_IMG_6315 (2).JPG","path":null,"size":2.7,"width":245,"height":137,"sizeInBytes":2698}},"hash":"IMG_6315_2_6e20587513","ext":".JPG","mime":"image/jpeg","size":59.45,"url":"/uploads/IMG_6315_2_6e20587513.JPG","previewUrl":null,"provider":"local","provider_metadata":null,"createdAt":"2025-03-01T12:16:41.960Z","updatedAt":"2025-03-01T12:16:41.960Z"}}},"additional_components":[],"categories":{"data":[{"id":2,"attributes":{"name":"Library","slug":"library","description":null,"createdAt":"2025-08-03T07:37:10.135Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-03T07:49:20.193Z"}}]}}},{"id":8,"attributes":{"title":"Pain & progesteron","slug":"Holistic-medicine","body":"_PD Dr. Vanessa Eichel studied medicine, worked as a paediatrician and later specialised in infection control and environmental medicine. We met online in a women’s support group, where she mentioned she now works in a department of integrative, holistic medicine. In conversation for \"Cycle Stories\" she talked about her work, menstrual pain treatment and common misunderstanding of progesterone, approaching natural contraception and more._ \n\nI\n\n**What's holistic medicine and where did you get your interest in natural healing?**\n\nIt is also sometimes called CAM – complementary and alternative medicine, but we don’t want to use it anymore. It is not an alternative, it is a normal treatment – complementary or integrated. You can also call it natural or traditional.\n\nI was born with atopic dermatitis and all my life I wanted to get rid of it – it was very bad and decreased my quality of life like crazy. I felt like I have to find a way.\n\nI became a paediatrician to help children with this condition, but I really couldn’t do what I wanted to do in the system. It was not how I wanted to treat a patient and it was not in accordance with my values. It felt like holistic approach it is getting forgotten and people are not really using it – even when it can be effective, cheap and has less side effects. \n\nWe always try to fix everything with a pill but at the end of the day what helps the most are basics and understanding the root causes. Every chronic disease in the Western world has a root cause in our lifestyle – heart and brain attacks, cancer, dementia, autoimmune diseases, allergies, psychological diseases.. Our lifestyle has changed tremendously and is not the one we evolved for. \n\n**How did you get to work in holistic medicine?**\n\nI went into research, coming back to what I really wanted to do: natural medicine. \n\nMy first project in this field was research on eczema and how we can use certain plants as an antibiotic instead of antibiotics from the pharmacy. And then I got to work in the hospital's department that’s completely about holistic and natural medicine ([University Center for Naturopathy](https://www.uniklinik-freiburg.de/naturheilkunde/uni-zentrum-naturheilkunde.html) in University Clinics Freiburg).\n\nIt’s still quite unusual for a normal hospital to have an official department like this. It is funded by a foundation, and we can also apply for grants and get money from the government to eventually employ more people. It is going very well – we are a small research team and we also offer patient consultations. \n\nThere are a lot of people who are open to that kind of treatment now, but they have to pay for a visit with their own money.\n\n**How does it look? I can visit you with my problem as a patient? Or are you mainly doing the research? Or am I the research?..**\n\nIt’s all three. I’m doing a lot of research but I also have patients. Our team follows an approach where we want to protect our patients from spending too much money on healthcare. Usually we are very restrictive – we don’t recommend a lot of things you'd have to pay for. We mainly focus on quality explanation.\n\n**So I come to you with a cough, and what happens next?**\n\nI ask you A LOT of questions! When did it start, how long is it and how intense, is it dry, does it come in certain situations, what’s your medical history.. Then I’d listen to the sound of your lungs, maybe do an oral examination and then we would see, take some blood if necessary.. And then the treatment can be both – drugs, surgery, but also herbs, complementary techniques or psychotherapy.\n\n**Do you think more medical professionals start paying attention to the link of stress and health issues?**\n\nEvery medical professional I talk to knows stress of course has a role in the disease. But they cannot really do anything about it. So they just concentrate on the hard facts they know and then can recommend some stress relief techniques. \n\n**How can we approach healthcare differently?**\n\nWe could do so much more for prevention – individually, but also as a society. Reduce sitting and find ways to be outside more. Pay attention to the pollution and the quality of food that we consume.\n\nAnd when it comes to medicine, I’d like us to not separate “the normal” treatment from the holistic treatment. Currently as a doctor you kinda have to decide, are you the politically correct one, or are you the underdog. \n\nBut we are progressing. We are doing a lot of research and we can do evidence based medicine, not empirically based only. Slowly but steadily, the holistic approach is getting more respected and the governments start to fund it. So there is hope! But it is mainly caused by the patients. Patients want it, and patients believe in it. And it’s for a reason. \n\nAt the same time, I would like to make a warning: in complementary medicine there are also lots of people who want to make money. Not everyone who says “I do holistic complementary treatment” is qualified, helpful, and does not harm. It can be good, but be careful and critical.\n\n**How can one safely navigate medical information?**\n\nIf you’re into that, you can read the studies. What would also be really nice is to have platforms where patients are exchanging their experience with the disease and write down what helped them, but this might be difficult to fact check. \n\nAnother thing – listen to your body, that’s very important. Your body's feedback is more important than any advice. It is very helpful for the patient to be empowered, and not just dependant on a therapist, to know you can change something in your situation. As a good rule you can try to remember what your grandparents did.\n\nRemember the old knowledge, read the old knowledge. Traditional Chinese, Indian (Ayurveda) and European medicine developed independently but have a lot of similarities. All are working with some kind of movement and some kind of herbal treatments, right nutrition and psychological interventions in a way..\n\nII\n\n**As to female reproductive health, what is happening in this area?**\n\nI think a lot is happening. It was really not very well researched until recently, but it has changed a lot. And it is exciting to see researchers making progress.\n\nCurrently we see the cases of strong menstrual pain rising like crazy and so is the infertility problem and all kinds of libido problems. \n\nIt is important to ask, where it comes from, and look for solutions. It of course has to do with our lifestyle, and our environment has also changed a lot – all the harmful chemicals we are exposed to are destroying the hormone system of both men and women.\n\n**Please, tell more about menstrual pain**\n\nIf not caused by other diseases, menstrual pain can derive from two things – the imbalance in a hormonal system and an inflammatory state of the body.\n\nFirst reason for strong paeriod pain can be the hormonal imbalance:\n\nIt's usually very high levels of estrogen and very low levels of progesterone. \n\nVery high estrogen can come from environmental factors – we are constantly exposed to what we call “xenoestrogens” – chemicals found in plastics and everyday products that trick our bodies into thinking they're hormones. Estrogens are stimulating hormones – and higher levels of them are just not good for us, but can also lead to breast cancer for women and to prostate cancer in men. \n\nAnd the progesteron – the lack of it causes both period pain and fertility problems. Where does this lack come from? Partially, from a lot of stress, again. Progesterone and cortisol, the stress hormone, are produced in a similar path, and if you have a lot of stress you have to produce lots of cortisol – so there’s basically not so much available to produce the progesterone. \n\nAnd then the second reason for menstrual pain is related to inflammation in the body:\n\nDuring menstruation, our bodies naturally produce compounds called prostaglandins – chemical messengers that cause cramping, so that the blood vessels of the uterus contract and open, shedding the uterine lining. \n\nWhen our bodies are in a state of chronic inflammation (as a result of insufficient physical activity, poor sleep, environmental pollutants, ongoing stress and eating more processed and inflammatory foods) our prostaglandin production may become dysregulated, leading to excessive production of prostaglandins during menstruation.\n\nWith higher levels of these inflammatory compounds, uterine contractions become more intense and painful. Essentially, an already inflamed body may respond to the normal hormonal signals for menstruation with an amplified inflammatory response, potentially making cramps more severe and uncomfortable.\n\n**I wanted to ask you about some magical natural remedies to treat the pain, but I have a suspicion we just need to start with a lifestyle?** \n\nYeah.\n\n**And like, change the system in which we live as a society?**\n\nYes, exactly.\n\n**Quite a big work?**\n\nYes, lots of work. But again, we want to empower the patients so that they can do a lot on their own. The system is one thing, but nowadays you have agency and responsibility to do a lot for your health.\n\n**And still, is there a natural treatment for menstrual pain? If I have a period and feel pain – how can I help myself?**\n\nYou can do more specific diagnostics, but in general I would address two things. First, the hormonal system, and second – the proinflammatory state. \n\nTo address the pain that is linked to the hormonal imbalance, you can try using chasteberry (also known as vitex or monk's pepper) and yams – both are plants that are proven to be beneficial for women's health in many ways. You have to use it throughout your entire cycle, not just one day, and better in capsules. \n\nFor the inflammation, you have to make sure you have enough vitamin D and omega 3. It is very important and it is something that’s often underdosed. For omega 3, we have a lot of sources of it – fish and seed oils, but I would recommend checking the algae one. The fish one is not ethical and might have lots of pollution in it, but fish itself has it from algae, too – so it’s about returning to the beginning of the omega 3 production cycle.\n\n**I see more and more information about syncing your cycle with what you eat, with taking certain supplements.. Is it legit?**\n\nYou can do it if you want to explore this, of course. The most important thing is always the overall lifestyle, but if you want to emphasise the menstrual cycle, go for it. I know some people explore drinking different herbal teas to support different phases of the cycle, e.g. raspberry leaf for days 1-7, green tea for days 8-14, and chasteberry or ashwagandha for days 20-28.\n\nPersonally, I noticed a couple of times being hungry for something and then checking and finding out this is what’s recommended for the phase I was in. If you’re really intuitive and listen to what you’re hungry for, then usually it should be good. \n\n**You mentioned “natural family planning” before we met for this conversation. Is it basically just being aware of when I'm fertile and when I'm not, or is it more complicated?**\n\nIt’s exactly that. You can plan to become pregnant or you can plan not to. Natural contraception is basically learning to understand your cycle and knowing what are the days you are actually fertile and thus can get pregnant. It’s free from side effects and costs you nothing – just your time and attention, and getting a thermometer. \n\nI would recommend considering it if you have a stable cycle. If you are completely fluctuating, it is tricky to choose such a method contraception. But then it’s just a great way to learn about your body and your cycle. \n\n**Where would you start if you wanted to understand your menstrual cycle, feel more in tune with it and experience it in a more healthy and accepting way?**\n\nI would first read about the cycle and the symptoms of all phases, and then I would see if I feel it as well in my body – or what I feel in my body. I would track the cycle, at least mark the first day of the menstruation, so that I know where I am in it. And then I would try to experience it.\n\n**And how different is the contraception part?**\n\nFor that, you combine knowing the day of your cycle (also know as calendar method), regular measurements of your body temperature and observing other symptoms, such as mucus, bodily sensations etc. You can feel a lot of different symptoms during your cycle, and learn to use them to identify the current phase.\n\n**So – I know when I’m fertile and those days I'm using the barrier contraception, but on other days it is impossible for me to get pregnant?**\n\nOn fertile days you are using condoms, yes. Like with any other contraception, unwanted pregnancy is still possible if you’re choosing this method, but if you have a stable cycle and know your body well, the natural way can be actually as safe as the pill. \n\nI have been doing it for 15, 20 years already – it was not very common when I started. Now that I know my body I don’t have to measure the temperature every day, although I still do it on important few days if I want to be certain.\n\nAlso, it is important to remember that this method does not protect you from STDs, and they are really coming back. So for that, use condoms, and if you’re not, sexual partners have at least to do a check-up before the first intercourse. \n\n**How did you learn about that yourself?**\n\nThere was an online explanation, “[Sensi plan](https://www.sensiplan.de/en)” that you could print out, and there was a study that validated this system. Discovering it was a big shift for me. Before, I wasn’t realising to the full extent that so many things happening to me are also symptoms of the cycle.\n\nAnd then I remember during my medical studies there was a young female gynaecologist teaching us, and while speaking about different methods of contraception, she also told us about natural family planning.\n\n**Was it a badass thing to do?**\n\nDefinitely! It was a very long time ago, and it was really badass. \n\n**What about hormonal contraception? What do you tell your patients about it?**\n\nHormonal contraception is basically mimicking pregnancy. And it has a lot of effects on the body. Everyone is responding to it differently, and the newer pills are getting better, but you have a lot of bad effects, that’s true. It can also compensate for something, because the pill is usually a progesterone, and as I said before, we are lacking a lot of progesterone nowadays. \n\nBut if you want to use it for health reasons, I would recommend using natural identical progesterone. In this case you first have to measure what your progesterone level is to know if it is lacking, and then get an individualised treatment with your doctor. It is very expensive, so we don’t usually recommend it. \n\nAgain – instead of spending too much money, realise that the lack of progesterone comes from stress – and a lot of other different things – but mainly stress, and then increase it by decreasing stress. \n\n**How would you start decreasing stress?**\n\nI would first make myself aware how it feels in my body. How can I be aware I'm in stress right now and what is the level of it? Do I have cold hands, sweaty hands, how's my heart rate and my blood pressure, do I walk very fast, do I eat very fast, do I talk very fast? A lot of symptoms.. So yes, to be aware of my stress level. \n\nAnd then to realise what brings it up. Short term physical stress, such as sports, can be beneficial, however the chronic longterm stress is the problem of our time. What is causing the longterm stress? It can be both psychological and physiological – stress on the body, for example lack of sleep, bad nutrition, also feeling chronic pressure, not feeling safe, chronic unresloved conflicts, and loneliness. First, understanding the reason and trying to find a solution. And then – there are many things you can do to find help and feel better. \n","color":"#346c34","subtitle":"talk with holistic doctor","createdAt":"2025-06-02T15:31:31.344Z","updatedAt":"2025-12-09T20:22:40.633Z","publishedAt":"2025-06-02T15:35:31.410Z","author":"Alise Īlena","meta_description":"Conversation with integrated medicine doctor – on future of medicine, modern lifestyle & period pain connection and natural family planning.","rank":null,"image":{"data":{"id":102,"attributes":{"name":"pillowcase in little reykjavik room.jpg","alternativeText":null,"caption":"photo of Polina Sirojegyna","width":3000,"height":1999,"formats":{"large":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/large_pillowcase_in_little_reykjavik_room_6c9493baf6.jpg","hash":"large_pillowcase_in_little_reykjavik_room_6c9493baf6","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"large_pillowcase in little reykjavik room.jpg","path":null,"size":66.76,"width":1000,"height":666,"sizeInBytes":66759},"small":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/small_pillowcase_in_little_reykjavik_room_6c9493baf6.jpg","hash":"small_pillowcase_in_little_reykjavik_room_6c9493baf6","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"small_pillowcase in little reykjavik room.jpg","path":null,"size":18.63,"width":500,"height":333,"sizeInBytes":18625},"medium":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/medium_pillowcase_in_little_reykjavik_room_6c9493baf6.jpg","hash":"medium_pillowcase_in_little_reykjavik_room_6c9493baf6","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"medium_pillowcase in little reykjavik room.jpg","path":null,"size":38.17,"width":750,"height":500,"sizeInBytes":38167},"thumbnail":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/thumbnail_pillowcase_in_little_reykjavik_room_6c9493baf6.jpg","hash":"thumbnail_pillowcase_in_little_reykjavik_room_6c9493baf6","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"thumbnail_pillowcase in little reykjavik room.jpg","path":null,"size":5.71,"width":235,"height":156,"sizeInBytes":5706}},"hash":"pillowcase_in_little_reykjavik_room_6c9493baf6","ext":".jpg","mime":"image/jpeg","size":566.61,"url":"/uploads/pillowcase_in_little_reykjavik_room_6c9493baf6.jpg","previewUrl":null,"provider":"local","provider_metadata":null,"createdAt":"2025-06-02T15:34:23.338Z","updatedAt":"2025-06-02T15:34:45.492Z"}}},"additional_components":[],"categories":{"data":[{"id":1,"attributes":{"name":"Pharmacy","slug":"pharmacy","description":null,"createdAt":"2025-08-03T07:33:20.917Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-03T07:49:30.499Z"}}]}}},{"id":10,"attributes":{"title":"\"Cycles, the Sacred and the Doomed\"","slug":"article","body":"![SETMARGINS_Cycles_024.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/SETMARGINS_Cycles_024_859803b910.jpg)\n\n_Morgane Billuard is a French writer, researcher and author of “Cycles: The Sacred and the Doomed\" – a book on femtech and PMDD, published at Set Margins. In a call with \"Cycle Stories\" Morgane shared her thoughts on female health, productivity and critics of her work. She also agreed to share the autofictional fragment from the book in a stories section of “Cycle Stories”. You can [get her book here](lhttps://www.setmargins.press/books/cycles-the-sacred-and-the-doomed/)._\n\nPremenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe, sometimes disabling extension of premenstrual syndrome that can be a combination of multiple symptoms, experienced very strongly. In a “Story Library” you can find [another story on experience with PMDD](https://cyclestories.co/stories/agnes-42)) told by Agnes.\n\n![3 (1).jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/3_1_349d1d115f.jpg)\n\nAlise\n\nTell me about publishing your diaries – the autobiographical part of the “Cycles” book. I loved it and I wish there'd be more, but how does it feel to you?\n\nMorgane\n\nI’m quite an open-book person, at least narrative-speaking. The topic of PMDD is so much embedded in my personal experiences and my past relationships that it would be senseless not to mention these things. As if I was ashamed! And I am not. \n\nFeelings of insecurity, pain and inadequacy were the feelings I had to fight through writing this book. And this is literally the core problem – how little space there is to acknowledge the pain and suppression of these feelings within a woman's body. \n\nAlise\n\nHow is your journey with PMDD now? Did you find better working solutions for yourself?\n\nMorgane\n\nI wrote the book at a time when I had just figured out the condition and was really suffering from it. I think awareness of the condition was already a big step, and then there are ongoing trials and errors with lifestyle or medical choices. \n\nI don’t take medications, but when I can’t sleep at night a few days before my period because of everything that’s going on, I know taking antihistamines might help. I also make sure to have a decent lifestyle and don’t stress too much (easier said than done.)\n\nCurrently I suffer from fewer symptoms of PMDD, but I would not be able to tell if I managed to diminish all the things in my lifestyle that were worsening them, or if I just came to recognize and tolerate them better.\n\nI wish I could tell you there is this medicine, but unfortunately, there are none. It is really plain what I am going to say once again – and it applies to a lot of chronic illnesses – the way you sleep, how you eat, who you surround yourself with, how much you work, how much you rest, are key factors in feeling a little bit better. \n\n![2 (1).jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/2_1_38a00386fe.jpg)\n\nAlise \n\nYes, I never got a better answer than this one.. Get a better working society and it will help a lot of us\n\nMorgane \n\nYeah, and how do we even change that? It is not to say we cannot, but it is true that first we have to acknowledge the systemic problems, otherwise it is just an echo-chamber of people trying to heal, ignoring the ecosystem around them that is not facilitating this.\n\nAlise\n\nWhat can we do if not heal ourselves first? \n\nMorgane\n\nWell, you do have to help yourself first. You cannot be suffering, and on top of that to be responsible for changing the medical system.\n\nWe start by seeing the pain and acknowledging the current medical and patriarchal systems, and then, once it is digested – not accepted, because we cannot accept it – we spread the word, while not exhausting ourselves and doing lots of self-care. \n\nI believe by letting people know about our pain, there is hopefully more empathy and flexibility in our friend groups, partnerships, and workplaces. And then we are stronger to tolerate what is going on and to find solutions. \n\nAgain, one thing that I really really always advocate for – you cannot do intellectual, critical or activist work if you are not already in a safe place. To even be able to have this sort of discourse, on PMDD, female health, or medical misogyny – you need to have resources. \n\n![1 (1).jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/1_1_fd139ef06d.jpg)\n\nAlise\n\nWhat are your relationships with productivity now?\n\nMorgane\n\nNothing against productivity, but we have to ask ourselves who we are doing it for and whether is it sustainable? If you want to sustain something long enough, you'd better have good mental health and take care of how your brain handles things. \n\nI really, really indulge more in resting and leisure now, trying not to see it as laziness and hedonism. I observe that a lot of people of our generation are looking for ways that are between extreme hustle culture or extreme nihilism, and I think there is still room for a lot of us to practice a less productivity-driven career. \n\nAlise\n\nTell me about your rest!\n\nMorgane\n\nI have what people would call a pretty healthy lifestyle. I don't go to bed late and quite normally wake up around 7 or 8. Maybe I still don’t know what’s fully resting – sometimes reading for research in my bed is resting… I wouldn’t say I’m super comfortable in completely indulging in non-productive resting, but I don’t see it as a bad thing. \n\nI am also getting better at seeing the fallacy of career and success. I totally understand people who want to make a lot of money to get themselves out of precarity, but the concept of being successful in this day and age is a foreign concept for me, I think it is old and dying. \n\nAlise\n\nWhy I’m interested in talking about rest and productivity – I had to do a lot of rest healing from the burnout, and by rest I mean doing almost nothing. I keep thinking there are lots of people in a similar situation who don't have a chance for a deep rest like that.\n\nMorgane\n\nThat is such a huge question. I really wonder how people get by struggling with any chronic illness, if on top of that they have to provide for their family, kids.. I want to believe that the more you have to face the stronger you’re built to, and perhaps you just have to pull up with it. But I’m just not sure if you truly can heal then :you keep on building layers of thickness.\n\nAlise\n\nAnd also, ideally we don’t have to strive for functioning – we can hope to feel good, right?\n\nMorgane\n\nTotally, whatever that means. I think we see it change, especially after COVID, but as you said before, still not for all. And I’m not an utopist, but I do believe it’s true that if something is not revolutionary for all, it is not really revolutionary.\n\nIt is also one of the arguments I talk about in the book – I am very interested in alternative, holistic medicine, but the problem I have with it is that it is not reimbursed by healthcare. So, to claim that such medicine is actually a way out of this situation is quite elitist – great that more privileged people can do it, but how can we make it accessible? \n\nAlise \n\nWhat are your relationships with your book now?\n\nMorgane\n\n\nThe book was published more than a year ago now, and I’m glad it happened. I’m happy it is being read and shared. I was hesitating to do it for a while because I knew it could never be inclusive enough. These days, when you publish a book that has to do with gender studies or feminism, it shouldn’t be a one-sided experience of the female body – and I know how much women at large, but also women other than white cis ones, need more and more visibility. \n\nBut I also knew I couldn’t make an embodied or personal statement for them, still, I tried my best with my resources at the time to give little bits of my part in this puzzle – and I wish there were more diverse pieces of the puzzle out there. Hopefully, as time goes by, more and more voices and perspectives on this subject can come to light, and render the plurality of female health and its experiences.\n\n![SETMARGINS_Cycles_025.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/SETMARGINS_Cycles_025_6121d52318.jpg)\n","color":"#346c34","subtitle":"talk with the author","createdAt":"2025-07-04T10:51:02.203Z","updatedAt":"2025-07-31T11:52:20.594Z","publishedAt":"2025-07-04T10:51:07.573Z","author":null,"meta_description":null,"rank":0,"image":{"data":{"id":133,"attributes":{"name":"book.jpg","alternativeText":null,"caption":null,"width":1179,"height":663,"formats":{"large":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/large_book_703bd07ad9.jpg","hash":"large_book_703bd07ad9","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"large_book.jpg","path":null,"size":13.02,"width":1000,"height":562,"sizeInBytes":13024},"small":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/small_book_703bd07ad9.jpg","hash":"small_book_703bd07ad9","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"small_book.jpg","path":null,"size":4.95,"width":500,"height":281,"sizeInBytes":4945},"medium":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/medium_book_703bd07ad9.jpg","hash":"medium_book_703bd07ad9","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"medium_book.jpg","path":null,"size":8.71,"width":750,"height":422,"sizeInBytes":8708},"thumbnail":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/thumbnail_book_703bd07ad9.jpg","hash":"thumbnail_book_703bd07ad9","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"thumbnail_book.jpg","path":null,"size":1.73,"width":245,"height":138,"sizeInBytes":1732}},"hash":"book_703bd07ad9","ext":".jpg","mime":"image/jpeg","size":15.53,"url":"/uploads/book_703bd07ad9.jpg","previewUrl":null,"provider":"local","provider_metadata":null,"createdAt":"2025-07-31T11:52:17.566Z","updatedAt":"2025-07-31T11:52:17.566Z"}}},"additional_components":[],"categories":{"data":[{"id":2,"attributes":{"name":"Library","slug":"library","description":null,"createdAt":"2025-08-03T07:37:10.135Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-03T07:49:20.193Z"}}]}}},{"id":9,"attributes":{"title":"Continents begin in me","slug":"continents-begin-in-me-poems","body":"the day is still young\ntoo early to mourn the loss\nit hasn't happened yet\nevery day is a falling tree\nbut it hasn't fallen yet\nthe tender age of the day\nasks for concessions\nyou can still twitter\nthat things will get better\nuntil the trunk has pressed you down\nyou can try to hold back the fall\nuntil it's not completely cut\ntry to look out from the foliage\nsmile make hand movements\nmaybe nothing will happen\nor maybe the freedom of the sky will come\n\n\nsomeone's clitoris is an anarchist\nand mine is a clitoris bureaucrat\npretends to undermine the system from within\nlike an anarchist banker\nwhy do you need such an occupation\nthis is an innate attraction to dressing up\nclitoris sits in a bowler hat\non a bag of money\nand slowly mutters through clenched teeth\ni'm just a spy\nin the enemy camp\ndo you know what your losses would be\nif someone else were in my place\nall these streams of money\nwould have flowed past you even more\nbut thus I turned some flows in your direction\nsome kind of advances\nbenefits\nI am a clitoris banker\nI am a true anarchist\nI deny everything being in the thick of the meat grinder\n\n\nwhat does fear smell like\nit's the stale smell of sweat\nshaking of the knees\ntrembling of the chin\ntrembling fingers\nomnipresent owerthinking\nwhat would happen if it were the other way around\njitters of negative possibilities\nnasty chest voice speaks\nin a dubious bass\nyou want to turn it off\nthe same way how to turn off fear\nblooming swirling\nin a fit of paroxysm\n\n\nbody adjusting\nbody shrinking\nwhat makes it change\nwhat force attracts it\nwhy does it wander\nconstantly transforming\nconfused body\nfrightened body\nconstant fear\nof interference from outside\nwhat if tomorrow\nwhat if today\noscillation between pros and cons\npersuade this flesh to obey\npersuade them to interact\nwhat will remain from the omnipresent inertia\n\n\npiece by piece gathering\ndisintegrated body\ncollect feet\nthat bounced off\nfind each toe separately\nwhat happened here\nwhy do bodies fall apart\nscattered in different directions\nis it the time of year or a trend\nof fragmentation\nfinely ground bodies\nsprinkle the area\nis it slippery to walk on?\n\n\nschizophrenic skin\nreflects visions\nwhat did you do that you collapsed\nclosed yourself with skin-reflection\nreflecting all possibilities\nlike unnecessary feeble efforts\ntoo colorful\ntoo fast\nskin absorbs the features of another\nbut where are yours \nit’s hard to be persuaded\nthat you are still alive\nthat there is still a place for you\nunder the mirror skin\n\n\nislands flow out of me\nburgundy islets\nin red slime\ncities villages lakes\nI flow down the riverbeds\ncontinents begin in me\nbloody carnage of birth\nwho will survive in it\nonly the strongest\nthis is anti-birth physiologically\ninterferences of work activity\nflow out of me\npuddles on office chairs\nred oily spots on toilet seats\nfear of sitting on a chair\nfear of sitting on the couch\nfear of staining the mattress\nendless black mats\npossibility flows out of me\nconfidence flows out of me\nwhat causes this bloody rain\nbloody god again\nwashing himself with menstrual blood\n","color":"#346c34","subtitle":"poems by Jelena Glazova","createdAt":"2025-06-05T11:02:48.733Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-04T18:27:03.132Z","publishedAt":"2025-08-04T18:27:03.122Z","author":"Jelena Glazova","meta_description":null,"rank":0,"image":{"data":{"id":106,"attributes":{"name":"but3.jpg","alternativeText":null,"caption":null,"width":1280,"height":720,"formats":{"large":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/large_but3_4139b67d0a.jpg","hash":"large_but3_4139b67d0a","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"large_but3.jpg","path":null,"size":22.73,"width":1000,"height":563,"sizeInBytes":22731},"small":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/small_but3_4139b67d0a.jpg","hash":"small_but3_4139b67d0a","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"small_but3.jpg","path":null,"size":7.91,"width":500,"height":281,"sizeInBytes":7907},"medium":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/medium_but3_4139b67d0a.jpg","hash":"medium_but3_4139b67d0a","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"medium_but3.jpg","path":null,"size":14.41,"width":750,"height":422,"sizeInBytes":14406},"thumbnail":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/thumbnail_but3_4139b67d0a.jpg","hash":"thumbnail_but3_4139b67d0a","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"thumbnail_but3.jpg","path":null,"size":2.95,"width":245,"height":138,"sizeInBytes":2953}},"hash":"but3_4139b67d0a","ext":".jpg","mime":"image/jpeg","size":30.84,"url":"/uploads/but3_4139b67d0a.jpg","previewUrl":null,"provider":"local","provider_metadata":null,"createdAt":"2025-06-09T14:25:52.713Z","updatedAt":"2025-06-09T14:25:52.713Z"}}},"additional_components":[],"categories":{"data":[{"id":2,"attributes":{"name":"Library","slug":"library","description":null,"createdAt":"2025-08-03T07:37:10.135Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-03T07:49:20.193Z"}}]}}},{"id":3,"attributes":{"title":"Cycle diary","slug":"cycle-diary","body":"_I am learning to make sense of my menstrual cycle for years now and this diary is an offering for you to read and maybe get curios of your own, too. One cycle of one summer, from day one (the bleeding) to another day one. Our bodies are very agile so the quality and the story of each cycle depends a lot on a lifestyle and life circumstances we have, thus can change noticeably each time. To learn more about the cycle from medical point of view, see [\"How menstrual cycle works\"](https://cyclestories.co/articles/how-menstrual-cycle-works) – a Q&A with gynaecologist and obstetrician Karlīna Elksne._\n\n\n## day 28\n\nIt feels like I want to destroy everything today - myself, my plans, my relationship. I have so much rage and tears inside me, and I want to smoke all my lungs out. Instead, I'm brewing nettles, raspberry leaf, and St. John's Wort tea. Maybe I'll still smoke later though. I want to be left alone, make myself a tent or something, and just stay there. I want to hit somebody. My partner was meditating all morning and later left the city on a bike, which was probably a good thing to do.\n\n## day 1\n\nSeeing the blood made me feel slightly upset this time, it felt like a little death. I feel much better compared to yesterday, and nothing has started to hurt yet. I try to relax, feel my body, breathe deeply, and even experience some pleasure from my strength and capacity to live through this every time, again and again. I intend to take care of myself more radically. I proclaim: I am doing the most important thing now - parts of me are dying to be rebuilt anew.\n\nYesterday I played with my tarot cards and asked how to be a woman. I got the seven of swords: \"protecting ones world view, being strong and consistent, defining one's boundaries.\" So, to be a woman I have to speak about what I need and how I need it, and take care of my wellbeing, while the world is yet to discover that very few things are more important than women’s comfort and pleasure.\n\nOh, okay, now it started to hurt. I take a scooter to get home quicker, I think I've leaked and I want to vomit. I need to use the bathroom urgently and I'm also running late for work. Last week I agreed to work today and for some reason didn’t ask anyone to replace me. I thought I could manage, but I can't. I approach home but the scooter says - \"beep beep beep you can’t park here and here too and here beep beep beep you will be fined if you leave the scooter here, find a better spot, beep beep beep; I looked for the better spot for few minutes and then just dropped the stupid scooter, fuck it, let someone take it and drive away on it, or fine me.\n\nI showered quickly and went to work on the scooter, no one took it. I agreed to work for a couple hours, but upon arrival realized I wouldn't last for a couple of hours. I feel sick and need to lie down. I asked girls to finish my things and drove away, and I cried as I was driving.\n\nDuring last couple of years, I've realised that the first day of my period can go smooth if I spend it in bed, with a heating pad, close to the bathroom, with my tea and not worrying about anything. I breathe, I focus on living through the pain waves, and by the end of the day I feel much better, and also endlessly powerful.\n\n## day 2\n\nToday I don't feel like doing anything at all, but I already promised to finish work by Thursday. It’s a lot there and I haven't even started. The pain has moved from my uterus to my head, I couldn't sleep at night, and I had a backache too - luckily it wasn't too hot today so I could use a heating pad.\n\nI got my delivery of some organic tampons and pads. They're pricey, but come in a pretty box and feel like a treat. Over the past years, I've realised I need much less of them now compared to when I was in school. These two boxes will probably last me three months at least. And I'm not even sure if my bleeding has changed, or it’s just that I use less of these products – mostly during first days and then I don’t mind having stains and washing them later.\n\nI like feeling the menstrual pain without a painkiller, just laying, breathing, drinking my nettle, but when my head starts to hurt my inspiration to heal myself quickly disappears, so I take an ibuprofen. Then had an intense cry because of feeling weakness and hopelessness, as well as disappointment in my partner, still no clue how to get to work. Then I accidentally started doing the work and got carried away, did three times more than was going to.\n\n## day 8\n\nThe app I'm using says I'm in my prime today, but I'm not so sure. However, I really like my body and I really feel like just doing things! I handed in some work, picked up packages for friends, used public transport all day long, made some appointments. \n\nYesterday I visited my gyneacologist, she asked me about complaints and I said I don't really have any, maybe the first day of period feels more painful recently. She offered to make an ultrasound and I agreed, and then I had to pay 67 euro unexpectedly because it turned out they were out of quota. The ultrasound showed everything is fine.\n\n## day 10\n\nToday I work a lot, I want to finish everything by the end of Thursday and then go out of town. I don't feel tired at all these days, but I understand that the tiredness is gathering in my body in the form of tension and starts to manifest in a form of a headache. In such a rare state of omnipotence it is very difficult to stop, I want to squeeze everything in since it is working out so well, but I have to try. I will ask my partner to finish the cleaning.\n\nCloser to ovulation, I feel excited to discuss non-monogamy again. I'm writing this down so I can see how I feel about it during PMS (my guess is, probably much more monogamous). What I like is that none of it is \"the true real me\" - I am this and I am also that, and I want to find ways to embrace it all, with all the grief and struggles. There will never be one right version, but always the uniquely complex and fluctuating composition that I curate. \n\nI realised this one thing – if I find it difficult to make a big decision and “have a different thought about it every day”, I might need to observe the thing for a cycle or two.\n\n## day 13\n\nI’m just okay! Life feels like life, and my body feels okay. I sometimes get annoyed or have conflicts, reacting to circumstances (I'm spending a lot of time with my parents). But still! At my core, I am calm and reasonable, I plan things optimistically, work and I rest well, and I feel quite independent, not needing too much intimacy, not clingy.\n\n## day 15\n\nThings didn't go as planned and my bestest days in terms of energy turned out to be isolated and unfun. I'm annoyed and sad about this, and I lack embracing my sexuality and vitality :c\n\n## day 16\n\nToday is a dream day - some unexpected productivity happened to me. Yesterday was so sad and nothing worked with my work projects, so today I decided to just rest. I went to the park and read something on the grass, watched TikToks, and then one after another received a couple of emails, answering questions that were stopping me from going on with the projects. I got inspired and ended up working really well! I want to learn to live more days like this, in the flow, without forcing. This is how we can heal the pandemic of burnouts as women, I believe.\n\n## day 19\n\nToday feels like days in late July or early August, when things have been going so well for so long that I forget winter exists. But that's a tricky tricky feeling!\n\n## day 23\n\nYesterday I suddenly ran out of energy. My partner and I went to the store, then walked by the sea, rode swings, and returned home - that was it, and now I can only sit or lie down and stare. Today is similar - I returned from the countryside, bought some food, ate it, and it's only 1:42pm but I'm struggling to even reach the computer to work a little.\n\n## day 24\n\nSame energy level as yesterday, or even worse. I went out for coffee and came back really sluggish. I'll do some work later, but for now I'll just lay down and hug a cat. I really want something cozy and to take my time to be sad. I've been really hungry in the evenings for a few days now.\n\n## day 26\n\nIt would be cool to know how end of cycle and PMS are linked to ADHD and neurodivergence, they say they are linked. I feel anxious and am very absent-minded, I forget what I was told multiple times immediately, cannot count simple numbers in my head and feel like i struggle to choose how to broadcast my emotions. But in general I like myself today in this slothiness.\n\n## day 28\n\nI am very sentimental these days, I feel like I'm about to cry all the time, but am also so full of love and so proud of myself. I like my body, too, it feels soft and round and very pleasant. I have a slight nagging pain in my stomach, feeling like my period is about to start.\n\n## day 1\n\nI feel very heavy and strong today, calm, a bit tired and grateful. I came to the beach and realised my period has started. It's a full moon today - nice synchronicity. I’m glad that I'm out of the city and will breathe fresh air, wear loose clothes, make myself tea from what grows here and try to bleed free. I'll go swim in the sea. I remember how sad it was when I was younger, feeling like everything was prohibited and potentially dangerous when I'm on my period. Now I think of all the things I can do - resting, crying, lying, eating or not, sleeping or not - everything I want and feel like doing, I can do.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n","color":"#346c34","subtitle":"documenting 28 days of my cycle","createdAt":"2024-08-02T09:18:38.638Z","updatedAt":"2025-10-16T11:29:35.189Z","publishedAt":"2025-10-16T11:29:29.770Z","author":null,"meta_description":null,"rank":null,"image":{"data":{"id":83,"attributes":{"name":"сшлдф12.jpg","alternativeText":null,"caption":"Alise, author unknown","width":1280,"height":717,"formats":{"large":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/large_sshldf12_1940b97ddd.jpg","hash":"large_sshldf12_1940b97ddd","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"large_сшлдф12.jpg","path":null,"size":115.34,"width":1000,"height":560,"sizeInBytes":115338},"small":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/small_sshldf12_1940b97ddd.jpg","hash":"small_sshldf12_1940b97ddd","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"small_сшлдф12.jpg","path":null,"size":30.5,"width":500,"height":280,"sizeInBytes":30504},"medium":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/medium_sshldf12_1940b97ddd.jpg","hash":"medium_sshldf12_1940b97ddd","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"medium_сшлдф12.jpg","path":null,"size":62.48,"width":750,"height":420,"sizeInBytes":62478},"thumbnail":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/thumbnail_sshldf12_1940b97ddd.jpg","hash":"thumbnail_sshldf12_1940b97ddd","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"thumbnail_сшлдф12.jpg","path":null,"size":9.52,"width":245,"height":137,"sizeInBytes":9524}},"hash":"sshldf12_1940b97ddd","ext":".jpg","mime":"image/jpeg","size":201.13,"url":"/uploads/sshldf12_1940b97ddd.jpg","previewUrl":null,"provider":"local","provider_metadata":null,"createdAt":"2024-10-30T13:40:18.390Z","updatedAt":"2025-01-24T07:36:27.249Z"}}},"additional_components":[],"categories":{"data":[{"id":3,"attributes":{"name":"Observation Lab","slug":"observation-lab","description":null,"createdAt":"2025-08-03T07:37:55.928Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-03T07:49:26.039Z"}}]}}},{"id":12,"attributes":{"title":"Rites of Passage:","slug":"thebirthkeeper","body":"**Alise:**\n\nFor the past few years I’ve been following the journey of Lisa, a birthkeeper authentically sharing her experience of motherhood and supporting women. Her approach reminded me of a brief experience I had with “the wise woman tradition” in healing – the one that besides many other things acknowledges certain bodily experiences of women as \"rites of passage\" that require attention and support. In conversation for “Cycle Stories” Lisa shared her perspective on guidance in rites of passage and birthkeeping outside the medical system.\n\n\n_This text reflects Lisa’s personal experience as a birthkeeper and is meant to offer her perspective and invite further research. The words “girls” and “women” are used here in relation to menstruation and birth, however it is important for us to note and acknowledge women who do not share these specific bodily experiences. We honour all identities and all birth choices, speaking of birth and fertility in both literal and creative ways._\n\n**I. BEING WITH THE WOMAN**\n\n**Lisa:**\n\nMy path as a birthkeeper started fourteen years ago now, when my beloved cousin gave birth to her first child. Back then I was studying literature and had little knowledge on pregnancy and birth, but I remember finding myself instantly drawn to what was happening to my dear woman.\n\nI rushed to the hospital as soon as she texted me that I could visit. And I remember how strange it felt that everyone was so focused on the baby, whilst to me, the most important thing was to find out about my cousin's state. I was more eager to see her, to find out how she looked and felt in her new role rather than anything else. \n\nMany questions, concerns but also genuine curiosity arose in me after that experience. Besides questioning the whole system and the conditions I have witnessed, I have been asking what was my own true role at that sacred event, and who exactly defined that role for me? Why was I not present when my cousin possibly needed me most, and why instead she was surrounded by strangers occasionally checking on her and later her newborn? Was there anything better for me to do rather than showing up during the vulnerable time of her rest and recovery, that felt somewhat “late” on my side?\n\n![bk1.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/bk1_b720ecfe96.jpg)\n_Photo by Poļina Sirojegina_\n\nIt took some time before my interests shifted and I changed my occupation, but I believe that the origins and the roots of my birth keeping journey are... in sisterhood, factually and figuratively.\n\nIn the past four years I've been actively practicing and giving my service to women as a birthkeeper and postpartum doula. I am not a hospital-trained midwife and I am not working within the medical system, but rather independently, and my today’s service is impacted by origins and historical traditions of midwifery. The sphere of my service includes pregnancy, birth and postpartum support, as well as support and guidance through women’s Rites of passage. Besides everything mentioned above I am a mother, craftswoman, Ayurveda practitioner, herbalist. \n\n**II. RITES OF PASSAGE**\n\nWhat are rites of passage? They can also be described as “portals”. I would say these are times of our lives when we go through powerful transformations and update our behavioural patterns, our perceptions of society and sense of self. Every human, regardless of their gender, is passing through a myriad of such portals. Talking about most crucial and transformative bodily rites of passage usually marking the lifespans of many women, they would be the following: the first menstruation, birth (not necessarily in terms of giving birth to the babies, but also other demanding and personal processes of creation), and menopause. \n\nThese remind us of the cyclical nature of all: everything goes through life, growth, decline and death. And while further studying the subject, we can make an obvious parallel and find inspiring connections between the natural cycles, the lunar cycle, human life phases and rites of passage themselves.\n\n![birth keeper 1.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/birth_keeper_1_f354edba04.jpg)\n_Photo by Poļina Sirojegina_\n\n**Menarche**\n\nThe first significant bodily rite of passage for a woman is called Menarc or Menarche, the first bleed, which occurs during puberty. This time can be described as the Spring time of life, our Maiden season matching the season of the waxing moon. This is the time when we develop rapidly, burst with energy, feel driven by a great many grandiose plans, and move with ease. \n\nThe beginning of menstruating years initiates a girl into a young woman, and what happens around her during this time teaches of the way the culture and society values her: where is her place, how strong is her voice and what is of her freedom. All of this defines the ways she further treats herself. This is the significant time when every word received from the outside becomes a spell, carrying more power than ever. Power to support, bless, nurture – or power to disrupt, evaluate, judge, curse. Because of that, it can be useful to think of the common messages we all are receiving as young girls about the way our bodies work: from the media, medical and school systems, friends and family. \n\n![Copy of gatves noir 1.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/Copy_of_gatves_noir_1_01788aa207.jpg)\n![003345210005 copy.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/003345210005_copy_cc18feff63.jpg)\n_Photos by Poļina Sirojegina_\n\nMost of us can recall menstrual product commercials, exposing the bright blue liquid used instead of the natural blood, or images of a carefree, fresh and rather energetic woman, claiming to live her life just “as usual” thanks to a certain pad, and as if she doesn’t really have an open bleeding wound in between her legs… \n\nI believe such images and ideas behind them have a powerful and undeniable impact on every girl, our Menarc experiences, connection to the cycle and our understanding of self. \n\n**Mother years**\n\nThe following rite of passage brings us to becoming a Mother – we are stepping into our Summer phase metaphorically unfolding under the bright and round full moon. \n\n\n>_\"It is important to mention here again that Mothering has many forms – and as women we all live through the Mother season, regardless of whether we birth children, art projects, businesses or anything else. This is the phase of creating life and multiplying it, which usually lasts throughout our 25-50’s\"._\n\nIt is also important to recognize that each following rite of passage is directly connected to and affected by the previous one/s. During birth giving our past initiation into menarch gets revealed and played out. And consequently the way we birth our babies, projects, crafts is suggesting the way we later mother them. \n\n![cover2.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/cover2_de7d48e397.jpg)\n_Mothering Myths : An ABC of Art Birth and Care, Valiz Amsterdam_\n\n**Menopause**\n\nIn my belief, menopause is a megnificent rite of passage, bringing us in the season of our Autumn, and the woman living through it can be referred to as Maga, Sovereign woman, Queen or Matriarch. We connect it to the waning moon, and assume it to happen around our 50s and last till early 70s.\n\n>_\"Observing modern collective beliefs and attitudes we might notice that menopause is frequently considered or even treated as a disease, and carries a lot of stigma, taboo and deepest misunderstanding of what menopause actually is\"._\n\nIn reality it is another most natural process which has to be trusted. We all know autumn as the season of harvest and compost, of reflection and shedding what doesn’t serve us any longer: Maga season is the season of awakened clarity metaphorically happening under the waning moon. This is the season of truth showing through layers and previous years of serving others, accommodating the others and putting their priorities before ours.\n\nThere is a mesmerizing fact I once learned from Jane Hardwicke-Collings’ teachings: besides humans there are only four other known existing creatures who are also going through menopause. Interestingly enough, all of them are the dwelling underwater – these are narwhals, orcas, pilot whales and beluga whales. When the scientists tried to understand the nature of this discovery, they found out that these ocean creatures are actually drastically updating their role in the pod once they reach their menopause. They become the leader, the ones holding experience and knowledge, ensuring that the children and grandchildren of the pod are thriving under their guidance and protection. \n\n![003491560008.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/003491560008_327546e113.jpg)\n![003491560009.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/003491560009_aef74f8ad7.jpg)\n_Photos by Poļina Sirojegina_\n\nMaga’s social and cultural role is in giving back to the world what she has learned and in offering her wisdom teachings to the others. What exactly she has to offer and to teach is obviously rooted in her previous experiences as well as her idea of self. I am convinced that the way patriarchal culture treats women throughout their lifetime is directly reflected in our modern maga’s teachings or sometimes in the lack of these. Menopause, like any other rite of passage, requires lots of preparation, understanding of our hormones and the shifted needs of the body. And once again, this cannot not be discovered alone or especially under the belief that menopause is something to fear or delay at any possible cost. \n\nObviously this would be different for everyone, but if a woman is gifted with a long life, later she would step into what can be perceived as the Winter phase or the final dark moon phase of a Crone woman which happens around 70-75 year.\n…\n\nI believe that living in a culture that holds a strong menstrual taboo is the primary cause of many wounds modern women have today. For a proper conversation on women's health and giving birth, we have to start looking at a woman's life holistically, taking into account our experiences with rites of passage and the context of things we learned about our bodies and minds growing up. \n\n![birth keeper.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/birth_keeper_0ce6ee9fb8.jpg)\n_20th Century Women, dir. Greta Gerwig, 2016_\n\nEvery rite of passage suggests to us either a healing or a rewounding opportunity. By this I mean that either we recognize and break free from the pattern that keeps on showing up in our daily life and significantly plays out during our following rites of passage, or we keep on carrying this pattern throughout our lifetime, multiplying painful experiences. I am encouraging women to do the inner work: each of us needs to mine her story for the gold that is in it.\n\nMy heart carries so much of hope and optimism witnessing modern global consciousness awakening, and finding out that more and more of women are seeking truth from certain communities, ancient wisdom keepers, childbirth educators and activists, social anthropologists and other bright women who are doing the magnificent job of restoring the forgotten knowledge. They are reclaiming global sisterhood, offering Blood mysteries teachings, hosting red tents and women circles supporting and educating others on the path of remembering. \n\n![bk11.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/bk11_8607ba1da9.jpg)\n_Photo by Poļina Sirojegina_\n\nI would strongly encourage every one to search for wise women and kindred sisters present around: for they always are, although it takes our spirit and intention of calling them in to get connected in person. And then, of course, there are many alternative resources such as books, virtual realm’s articles, online courses and podcasts. Many of these are created by dearest teachers of mine: I am honoured to name them here. Incredible Jane Hardwicke-Collings, a modern day women’s mysteries teacher and the founder of the School of Shamanic Womancraft; medicine woman Sister Morningstar, the indigenous midwifery wisdom keeper gracefully walking upon this Earth; and then my absolute inspirations Dr. Rachel Reed and Dr. Sara Wickham, and also Jeannine Parvati Baker, Joan Donley and Sheila Kitzinger whose legacy have significantly shaped my work and vision.\n\n**III. THE BIRTHKEEPING**\n\n![bk.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/bk_be5290ddc4.jpg)\n_A 5th-century Gupta terracotta plaque of the goddess Lajja Gauri from Uttar Pradesh, India_\n\nNowadays there are different interpretations of such terms as ‘midwife’, ‘birthkeeper’, or ‘doula’ present across countries and societies. So it might be important not only to consider the status of one’s birth provider, but also to be able to define their actual field of responsibilities.\n\nGenerally a midwife (which literally means ‘with woman’ in Old English) would be someone who is focusing on women’s physiology. The most common idea of a midwife nowadays is a registered / licensed midwife who has undergone medical training and education, and usually can be found working within the medical system. However there are also midwives who are working outside of the system, who do not necessarily graduate from any schools and who do not carry a license, or chose to give up on it because of disagreeing with certain policies of their countries. It can be considered illegal to call oneself a midwife and assist home births – this varies depending on a country, so one has to be informed and careful about such details. \n\nA doula (from the Greek word δούλη [doulē], meaning ‘a servant woman’) is there mainly to provide a non-medical support which addresses the emotional and the spiritual journey. Besides birth doulas there are also postpartum and death doulas who carry no less significant missions and who deserve being mentioned. A doula present at birth is, indeed, serving – bringing tea and nourishment, giving massages and compresses, and holding the emotional space for a woman and for her family members. \n\n![bk6.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/bk6_cbc5042a62.jpg)\n_Photo by Poļina Sirojegina_\n\nAnd then there is a birthkeeper, also known as a birth companion – usually it is a woman working outside of the system. She carries experience and a good knowledge of physiology, biology and philosophy of birth; some of the birthkeepers have their own equipment such as dopplers or a Pinard stethoscope, etc. And yet in my personal tradition and interpretation the birthkeeper is mainly there to hold the sacred space, to make sure the woman is seen, and to support decision-making by giving adequate information and encouraging empowered choices.\n\n>_\"Ideally, birthkeepers have a heartfelt understanding of trauma and fear: not only when it applies to women they serve, but actually to their own selves and to what they are bringing to the birth space. This is a nuance I hold to my heart dear as I am convinced that the birth space is no fitting space for dogma, ego and for unprocessed traumatic events. The majority of the birthkeepers believe in traditional wisdom, the mystery of birth and reclaiming rites of passage\"._\n\nI see birth as the most intimate and humbling journey full of nuances, and when it unfolds physiologically it gradually brings the mother to the deepest darkest self: because this is exactly where she collects her baby. Then she returns to this world reborn, empowered and with the most profound experience of surrender. \n\nI believe it does a great disservice to consider that the hospital or whichever system, or whoever from obstetrician, midwife, doula or partner is going to “save” a woman from birth or do the job for her. The presence and assistance of the others can be crucial, indeed, but their roles are always in something else and never in birthing.\n\n![bk8.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/bk8_8a6d239457.jpg)\n_Photo by Poļina Sirojegina_\n\nIf we are growing up disconnected from our own bodies, conditioned to think that bodies are to be medicated, numbed and ignored, hoping for our periods to pass as fast as possible instead of connecting to the nature of bleeding, this is most likely to be the pattern we will bring further in life. If we didn’t learn to be open to the messages our bodies were giving us while menstruating, then probably it would be very difficult to recognize and work with the messages that our body is sending us while it is giving birth. \n\nIn my personal experience, the hospital system and its services are largely overused in a context of maternity care. We do need hospitals, but the very understanding of physiological birth and the methods practiced in such institutions have to evolve or should I rather say be reconsidered through unlearning.\n\n**UNLEARNING**\n\nWhile traditional midwifery is woman-centered, modern medical midwifery is still rather focused on the “delivery” of a baby – by all effective and efficient means. I find it deeply disconnected from the nature of the event and ceasing to recognise the holistic aspects of birth. The medical system is repeatedly managing women's bodies to ensure they function within certain timelines, boundaries and generalized rules, rather than seen individually. \n\n![chamomile.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/chamomile_d639eea298.jpg)\n_Chamomile, archival scan_\n\nWhile medical birth practitioners forced to believe that they have to “perform” certain skills on a mother as well as a newborn to justify their presence, authority and the perverted role of an “expert”: all of this is done instead of releasing their emotional investment in woman’s decisions and recognizing who actually holds the power in the room. \n\nFor some mothers and newborns, it can feel like being mistreated, robbed of their triumph and the sacred rites of passage, and eventually traumatized. (Recent [research](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38071102/) suggests that 1 in 3 births are experienced as traumatic, while about 4% of women and 1% of their partners develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)). To understand the root of the mess we have created, it is crucial to look back at the history, or rather herstory. \n\nIn short, centuries of colonisation, the development of agriculture and the spreading of Abrahamic religions all contributed to the erosion of matricentric societies (the ones centered on the mother and the raising of the children). Back then and onwards throughout the Middle Ages pregnancy, childbirth and mothering were seen as nothing but normal life events, and did not require any medical practitioners. The role of a male partner was significant, empowering and sacred in its own way, but still mainly occurring outside of the birthspace.\n\nThe following rapid development of science shifted the power in childbirth to the privileged male researchers, who soon after took great control of the childbirth territory and redefined the traditional female practice. In older days women were building their knowledge and understanding of childbirth through oral culture – but as the male practitioners took their authority in the midwifery field, women, having no similar rights for public education, were excluded, and traditional midwifery began to fade.\n\n![cover1.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/cover1_d1187ad8ff.jpg)\n_Cover of \"All about opium\", edited by Hartmann Henry Sultzberger and published in 1884_\n\nCurrently hospital birth is still the most common choice and practice of the Western world – but it is important to mention that in many ways modern obstetric medicine continues to develop its knowledge of childbirth based on the seventeenth-century concept of the body as a machine. It is no secret that the majority of worldwide hospital birth providers have never seen a physiological birth and at times have a very little notion of what it actually is.\n\nBirth is and forever will be the most natural event of life, designed to be physiological, undisturbed, empowering and profoundly transformative. But in order to have this birth experience, a woman needs to feel Safe. Safe about her environment, each teeny tiny detail of it; about each single person present around, and about her own self. And for the latest it is crucial to _gnōthi seauton_ – \"know thyself\". \n\n![bk9.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/bk9_1c20b4f478.jpg)\n![bk10.jpg](https://bi.cyclestories.co/uploads/bk10_0f2b53faed.jpg)\n_Photos by Poļina Sirojegina_\n\nAs Jeannine Parvati Baker used to say, each woman needs to become her own midwife. Which doesn’t minimize the importance of the others consciously serving at the birth altar, but rather brings us all together in a sense of understanding and reclaiming sovereignty of birth.\n\nWe can start shifting prevailing birth narratives by connecting to the cycles, doing the work of remembering, looking for information about our red threads and finding both answers and reliance in these. If we manage to trace it all back and make peace with it, if needed, we can find that there is so much more than what the patriarchal culture is wanting us to believe in. Once we decolonize ourselves from the patriarchy and dismantle the misogyny, the current wounded sisterhood where we compete and compare and criticise will naturally heal. May it be our way back to harmony and to our sovereign magnificent power: within the space of birth, and outside of it.\n...\n\n_I am supporting women and their families both in person and virtually, and warmly welcome inquiries on private and professional matters._\n\n_One can find me either by my name on social platforms, or reach directly by email which is lisasagale@gmail.com_\n\n_Thank you kindly!_\n\n_Lisa_\n\n","color":"#346c34","subtitle":"Birthkeeper's story","createdAt":"2025-12-05T12:00:10.350Z","updatedAt":"2025-12-16T09:26:29.711Z","publishedAt":"2025-12-10T16:31:25.643Z","author":"Lisa Saga, Alise Īlena","meta_description":"Traditional birthkeeper on how to treat menarche, motherhood and menopause as rites of passage.","rank":0,"image":{"data":{"id":169,"attributes":{"name":"Lisa Saga.jpg","alternativeText":null,"caption":null,"width":1179,"height":943,"formats":{"large":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/large_Lisa_Saga_9f46174a9a.jpg","hash":"large_Lisa_Saga_9f46174a9a","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"large_Lisa Saga.jpg","path":null,"size":73.71,"width":1000,"height":800,"sizeInBytes":73714},"small":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/small_Lisa_Saga_9f46174a9a.jpg","hash":"small_Lisa_Saga_9f46174a9a","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"small_Lisa Saga.jpg","path":null,"size":27.74,"width":500,"height":400,"sizeInBytes":27737},"medium":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/medium_Lisa_Saga_9f46174a9a.jpg","hash":"medium_Lisa_Saga_9f46174a9a","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"medium_Lisa Saga.jpg","path":null,"size":49.33,"width":750,"height":600,"sizeInBytes":49330},"thumbnail":{"ext":".jpg","url":"/uploads/thumbnail_Lisa_Saga_9f46174a9a.jpg","hash":"thumbnail_Lisa_Saga_9f46174a9a","mime":"image/jpeg","name":"thumbnail_Lisa Saga.jpg","path":null,"size":6.88,"width":195,"height":156,"sizeInBytes":6879}},"hash":"Lisa_Saga_9f46174a9a","ext":".jpg","mime":"image/jpeg","size":86.47,"url":"/uploads/Lisa_Saga_9f46174a9a.jpg","previewUrl":null,"provider":"local","provider_metadata":null,"createdAt":"2025-12-09T20:17:14.068Z","updatedAt":"2025-12-09T20:17:14.068Z"}}},"additional_components":[],"categories":{"data":[{"id":1,"attributes":{"name":"Pharmacy","slug":"pharmacy","description":null,"createdAt":"2025-08-03T07:33:20.917Z","updatedAt":"2025-08-03T07:49:30.499Z"}}]}}}],"meta":{"pagination":{"page":1,"pageSize":25,"pageCount":1,"total":10}}}

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